Bristol, Israel, Singapore and Australia in All Good Things

Okay, it's getting ridiculous now. I know I originally planned this year to be about travel, but then I cancelled my big trips! Except I still seem fated to never be home. Tomorrow Annette and I head across country to Bristol for the rest of the week. It's the final date of the UK tour, and Kerry and Eva will be joining us off and on. Poor Eva is in the middle of her finals at the LSE, otherwise she'd be with us all week.

Then, out of the blue, yesterday morning Annette decided she wanted to join Eva on the tour to Israel in the first half of June, and someone I'm the one who ended up arguing with the theatre man in Tel Aviv on the phone for half an hour about tickets (they never want to sell us tickets in the front row) and sourcing flights and hotels and booking everything. Eva was ecstatic we're coming too, and Annette is so eager she's about to burst. I'm in shock. I woke up yesterday with absolutely no intention of ever going to Israel, or any new country, in fact, at least not for a good long time. So much for that. Will was thrilled when he heard we're going - he's gone there frequently and loves it, so was full of helpful information and advice. I didn't realise that Jerusalem was a mere daytrip from Tel Aviv. I never dreamed I'd ever get to see Jerusalem. Wow.

And, of course, Annette's already bought all the tickets for Singapore in the first week of October, and then Simon had told me they're going on to Melbourne and Sydney - which was finally announced publicly today! - so now I can tell everyone I'm going to Australia as well. Yay. I'd wanted to go to Australia this year to meet my second niece and get to know her older sister better, so this works out perfectly. Unfortunately Annette can't come because she has a project that will be in its final stages in late October and she really can't be out of the country, which she's gutted about. Eva will have started work, so she can't come, and Kerry is already working, which is why she can only join us on weekends and not internationally.

In the meantime, I have my own new career to launch. In between all the socialising in High Wycombe all week, I've been frantically busy researching and making lists and organising things. SO much to do. But I love it. It is everything that I love best in the world. Given that I have no money left, I really shouldn't be taking all these overseas trips - but money will always come from somewhere. I feel a slight pang when I realise that I could earn the money to pay for all these trips in just a couple of weeks of doing my old job - but there is no way in hell I'm going back, not even for a couple of weeks. I don't think I could even do it anymore. It's a physical and mental skill that I have completely eradicated from my body and mind. I read my former colleagues' updates on Facebook about nightmare jobs and equipment failures and horrendous sitting hours and lack of breaks and rude lawyers and judges....and it seems like a foreign country. I only quit six months ago, and only properly one month ago, but I can no longer relate to it. My life today is about fun and laughter and looking forward to waking up every morning because there are so many wonderful things to do each day. Such a contrast to being unable to sleep because I dreaded the coming of morning so desperately, to the constant panic attacks caused by that dread and how ill I felt at having to continually force myself through physical pain and mental agony day after day with no support.

Oh, and also, last night Will and I officially broke up. We finally had the conversation that I initiated via email the week of Newcastle (a month ago). I guess we've been avoiding it because we knew the inevitable result. As he said to me, we're mourning the loss of what never actually existed, what only could have been, because honestly it's never been very good between us. But we've got on so well on certain levels that we've spent years ignoring all the ways the rest didn't work.

He's convinced I'm in love with someone else. I'm not. Not really. I just....can see how things could be. Should be. And with Will they can never be. Yes, there's a certain person I definitely would not say no to, but even though I'm no longer married, he is, and happily so, and nothing of that nature could happen between us. I don't even know if I'd want it to. Okay, I would, but it wouldn't be more than a short-term thing. It's not a love thing. More of a crush thing.

The truth is, I never wanted to marry Will. He talked me into it, but I regretted it on the day we got married and have mostly regretted it ever since. We've had a lot of good times together, I've learned an amazing amount from him and he's been a valuable addition to my life - but he's also caused me immeasurable damage and is a large part of the reason why the past five years have been the most miserable of my life.

Okay, I'm going to stop writing now. I have loads to do before Bristol tomorrow, since yesterday I was out of commission with a very annoying migraine. Thank God it's gone now (despite being up ending my marriage until 4am), so at least I'll be able to get most of the stuff done today that needs doing before we leave.

And so begins week six of my amazing post-career adventure. I'm loving it!