Failure in Fresh Start

We have started the visitation process. I hate it. There’s no fucking reason because she decided to be a terrible human, I should lose time with my kids. It’s frustrating. I’m doing the work, which I don’t actually mind, I’m just trying tonprocess how to best handle it. Ahe takes them and they have fun and do bonfires and her piece of shit husband tries to fill them with his bullshit. The thought I struggled with this weekend was how fucked up it is that the kids don’t even realize the two of them are the exact reason their entire worlds were ripped apart. It’s kind of messed up. They go over and he acts so kind and puts on his mask. Then they come back and have responsibilities and expectations at my house. I’m the asshole that expects them to clean up after themselves. I expect them to listen the first time. They face consequences with me. It’s so maddening. It makes me feel like such a failure. They get mad. They yell. It takes everything I have not to get into a yelling match.

Over the weekend I wrote my son a letter. It was just telling him how proud I am of him. This morning, because I told him he has to wear pants when it’s 43 degrees outside, he got mad and ripped it up. I couldn’t believe it. I really thought it would be something special to him. I thought he would keep it and when life got hard, he would remember that letter. I guess I was wrong. I’m not mad at him, I’m hurt.

Maybe this is all my fault. I am a bit bitter she took them to the zoo. She bought them presents at the gift shop, but she hasn’t paid me a fucking dime of child support. I’m over her trying to figure out how to get the kids clothes for winter and trying to find free things to do around because I can’t afford to do fun things, but she neglects them and her financial responsibility and gets to be the fun parent. She is over 20k behind on child support. 180k worth of deposits in her bank account and she is 20k behind!! That’s insane!! What a deadbeat. It will be months before I can get a hearing to force her to start paying. It never stops. She is absolutely draining me and the kids are suffering because of it. Yet in their eyes, she is the fun parent. Well, fuck her. I don’t know if there’s anything bad enough that could happen to her for me tonfeel remotely bad for her. She’s a deadbeat.