Coward. in Other life events.

The last 2 weeks have been horrendously bad, after scoring down to 13'8 i've gone back above 14 but it's unconfirmed what the damage is. I've started again yesterday and tried to get myself out of this slump i've been in.

This contains personal issues which some people may know of if they have been reading me long enough since OD.

When i was younger i was abused by two older boys, i've mentioned it a few times in my diaries but i try too sparingly as i find it to be the worst part of my life and try to forget it.

Anyway, i've been trying to find the courage to write about this without sounding like a pathetic coward. One of them has moved back into my small village and had the audacity to stop to talk to me and my mother while we was walking to my grandmothers and ask how we where. I didn't even react in any way different to how i would to anyone else, as my mother or family have no idea of any of the stuff that happened when i was younger. I felt like a coward, a big knot in my stomach was twisting and churning me up.

I don't know how to justify my actions, to myself mainly. Is it because i'm trying to forget so hard that i convince myself it never happened and i just treat them like distant memories?

It hurts my pride more than anything, i'm supposed to be a man and i can't even stand up for myself, i suppose my self respect as a man is gone since that time anyway.

I'll leave that there for the time being, i essentially felt crippled by it and stopped exercising and found comfort in food for the next 2 weeks, suppressing the urge to damage my body physically to match the mental anguish. I guess i can fix the weight gain once i get my head straight but i can't make scars disappear or the questions of to why my arm is ripped open if i ever went back to my old ways. It's been tempting to say the least, a lot of dark thoughts and self loathing have been flowing through my mind and it just all feels very melancholic.

I talked to Rachel recently for the first time in a while, she struck up conversation because i liked a photo on facebook, anyway she said she's probably never coming back to our home town again so i suppose i won't be seeing her ever again. It seems so final but i guess that's just the way it is; people grow up and i just have to move on from old friendships.

I'm starting to understand the whole thing my mother said that people get jobs and wives or husbands and eventually you don't have any friends you simply just have people you used to be acquainted with.

I've got my driving test on Tuesday but haven't drove in a long while, on top of all the depression i have the anxiety and worry of that too contend with. Everything is just a mess at the moment, Sean seems depressed and i only ever see him for the gym or working on the cars. I miss the days where we used to go for days out to southport and delemere forest just for something to do, i miss having more friends than i could count on one hand.

It feels like everything is falling apart again and it's a very constricting feeling; time is going by so fast and i'm moving so slow compared to everyone else. I'm so trapped in the past i'll never be able to grasp my future at this rate.

I feel so pathetic and weak, i just wish i was better at all this; i wish i didn't feel so alone with all of these issues. I don't even feel like i can tell Sean anymore as i simply feel like i would be burdening him with things he doesn't want too know, not that i would ever get an appropriate chance to open up to him anymore.

I guess it's just me against the world at the moment.