around again in 2021

12:22

I was going to call this Day 1 of what will hopefully turn into a new routine, but honestly I am not sure how many times I’ll have to restart that day.

I pull up this page over and over and yet never type a word. Like my brain knows I need to write, it’ll make a world of difference, but it also refuses. Similar to how I’ve been known to procrastinate or self-sabotage. My heart knows the answer but my mind won’t acknowledge it. 😔

Currently I am sitting in the parking lot of a shopping center waiting for mom to get her microchip programmed. We are not telling anyone about it because it’s been such a huge deal amongst the people we know. To the point where no one has really asked us about it but they’ve basically shunned us anyway. It’s all been a bit too dramatic but I’d rather not get into it today.

There is so much I haven’t documented and I know I’ll regret that some day. I wish I kept better records of all the fun and amazing moments with EC. I even wish I’d recorded some of the not so great ones. Mostly so I can remember/realize that this has been the best relationship I’ve ever been in. The healthiest too! We are so good at communicating, even when there are too many emotions involved. I can’t believe I’m this grown up and mature about it all. We both are. Who knew you could solve things by talking calmly and rationally instead of giving the silent treatment?!

Anyway, it’s several hours later and I’m home now. We had In-n-Out for lunch and took it by the water to watch the waves. That was peaceful. There’s something so calming about being next to the ocean.
And I definitely need some calm these days. Mostly because of my health and not necessarily because of all the other craziness in the world right now. I’ve been on these current meds [methotrexate/xeljanz] for a few months now and although we saw some initial progress, I haven’t seen much since then. Ideally I want to get myself to a place of remission and as little inflammation as possible before I sign up for that hip replacement. The problem is that I feel like it’s getting worse by the day. The pain has increased significantly to the point where I am hardly sleeping. I spend most nights on the couch until the early morning hours and then eventually go to my room to get a few more hours. It’s almost impossible to find a comfortable spot with all the joint pains. Recently that has also included my right knee which feels like it’s being stabbed with countless needles. Or possibly as if someone is grinding the inside of my patella. Ugh. It’s depressing to think about.

The doc asked me at my last appointment if I thought I was dealing with some depression because I kept telling her how completely exhausted I feel every day. [lack of sleep, inflammation, medications, lack of movement all contributing I’m sure] I told her I didn’t think so, but honestly I mean, probably right? But despite the current world beginning to accept/acknowledge/discuss mental health, I still feel some kind of weird shame admitting it. Don’t ask me why. I really don’t get why I wouldn’t be honest about how I feel. I guess maybe I’m not even sure it’s depression. I’m just exhausted and in pain.

Well I don’t want this to be that kind of entry but that’s mostly what’s going on these days.

It’s finally starting to cool down around here, at least for a few days. As much as I love lying in the sunshine [we enjoyed some great lake trips this year until they ran too low on water], I’m ready for sweater weather. I’m excited to wear long sleeves, wrap myself up in blankets [and not get laughed at], cozy comfort meals, and snuggles with EC without getting sweaty. haha. Hopefully we’ll get some decent rain this year. I say that every year, but one of these years it has to be true!

I think it might be good for me to make a list of topics I’d like to type out before I forget every detail. Will I actually accomplish this? Not sure. But it’s good I’m thinking about it.

This weekend is going to involve food, fights, drinks, and hanging out as most weekends do. Tomorrow unfortunately EC has to work in the early morning, like 4am. He’s in the middle of harvest so his schedule is crazy. After he’s done he’ll stop by my house and we’ll hang out until Sunday evening when he goes back home. There are some UFC fights and a good boxing match tomorrow so that’s on the agenda. Sunday we’re planning to rotisserie a chicken, roast potatoes and carrots in an herb garlic butter, and I don’t know what else but I’m sure it’ll be delicious. We contemplated starting an instagram account just to document all the amazing food we have been making since we got together [and definitely amplified by quarantine]. I never even knew I could cook so many different things. I mean I lived on cereal and eggs so something like Thai food from scratch wasn’t any where near my wheelhouse.

Speaking of food, I think I might go have a small snack so I’m not starving by the morning. Perhaps some pecan pie brownies we made last night. =)

Hope to be back soon, but as always, no promises.

rose.
20:32