STRUGGERLING TO COPE in ANXIETY AND ME

FRIDAY 12TH DECEMBER 2014

Following on from yesterday
As I said I don’t remember anything of the first 3 days
If I wasn’t sleeping I was staring into space
I had also turned off my chat on face book as I really couldn’t face talking to anybody
By the Monday I thought I better bite the bullet and go and see my mom and sister
After telling them what had happen and making my sister cry I did feel that a weight had been lifted off my shoulders as I had told somebody and they didn’t judge me

The first month was hard I was having to get use to my medication which made me feel sick gave splitting headaches and put me off my food and gave me lack of sleep
I still felt like crap wanted to burst into tears at the drop of a hat and struggled on a day to day basis to even function
Some days I couldn’t even be bothered to get washed and dressed let alone try and clean he house
I thank my lucky stars for my daughter she was and still is my rock. She is the one who puts a toe up my arse in the nicest possible way and tells me to get my shit together and with out her and my son I think I would have sunk by now. Its because I have to try and keep my self together for them and keep going

I was biding my time on two week sick notes in the hope that I could try and get back to some sort of normality and go back to work
But every time the time got nearer to even think about going back to work the panic attacks were back and the palpation’s started in my chest
ringing work was a night mare even a text message from my manager would send me into a state of panic so taking my sick note into work was awful

I had to psych my self up to go into work. It would take me all day and would go as late as possible or even weekends just so wouldn’t have to meet my manager
I would make my self walk to work and the nearer I got the more stressed I became and the little voice in my head kept saying “you can always turn back you know” but I kept telling myself no I have to do this
As soon as I got into work I wanted to leave
I couldn’t look at any body didn’t want to talk to anybody and to stand in the office and talk to my manager was hell all I did was stand and shake
And I’m not sure if it was state of mind and they way I felt but I thought my manager was very stand offish and rude but that could have been me

So for the first month I hid myself away only going to my moms do the shopping and pay the bills and that’s where I wonted to stay at home safe.