#TMIFiles: Chemo Brain is REAL in These Foolish Things

  • Sept. 21, 2021, 2:53 p.m.
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  • Public

Hahah…leave it to my chemo brain to miscount even the simplest of things. In my countdown to the last chemo I actually got the days wrong!

Regardless, last FOLFOX chemotherapy for this GD CRC begins tomorrow! Like all my acronyms? I’m partly excited and partly dreading it like all of the other rounds I’ve had. There’s no way around the fact that chemo sucks and I’m going to get sick like I have all of the 11 rounds before, but it’s just so nice to know that this is the end of this treatment.

And then the next part will come, but I’m still not quite ready to delve into that. I’m just ready to let out a breath. I haven’t exhaled since February 4th - the day my surgeon uttered the word “cancer”. I’m nervous about what comes next, but I also know that if my body can handle this it can handle anything.

And you better believe I’m going to celebrate. I’m going to ring that bell tomorrow!

I have a friend from high school who is now an oncologist and he told me in a DM that he hates “that fucking bell” because it’s not really the end of treatment for cancer patients. But I told him that I haven’t had much to celebrate in the last few years and I’m going to celebrate every milestone that I can from here on out.

My mom and dad are coming. They are going to stay with me tonight and tomorrow night and I’m really looking forward to that. My first houseguests! They are going to get to my place before I get there. I told them how to get the concierge to let them up and I gave them the code to my lock. I left them a note telling them to make themselves at home.

Tonight I will have a celebratory cake (for me!) delivered along with a box of chocolate covered strawberries and macarons to take to the oncology nurses and other staff. All of this excitement feels like a birthday. And maybe it IS a birthday of sorts…or more like a…I don’t know? I was going to compare it to a wedding or something, but it’s not like that. OH. Like a graduation, I guess!! I’m graduating from this bullshit. Yeah, that sounds right.

Anyway, things are super busy at the office, as usual, and I get upset at myself for stressing over things that I just need to be patient and work through. I’m still not working at 100%, but my priorities shift every single day due to these supplier issues. I got an email yesterday basically calling me complacent and it HURT like hell. I realize that I’m not at the top of my game, but complacent I am NOT. I have lost sleep over that.

Honestly, being able to be at the office every day (except for infusion days) has made it seem like I’m able to do everything, but my body and my chemo brain won’t quite let me. I look perfectly healthy, but I’m just not quite right. I need for some changes to happen, and I hope that once we get this chemo out of my system I’ll be feeling more able and I’ll be more on top of my game.

Speaking of which, gotta get back to work!

Elaine Benes September 21, 2021

Yes it’s a graduation! You still may have grad school or big papers to write in the future but that doesn’t mean this graduation isn’t worth celebrating!

And screw anyone who says you’re complacent. That’s total bullshit.

Jinn September 21, 2021

You have done great and do not let any POS tell you otherwise. They are fortunate you are working . A lot of people would not . Celebrate and be very proud of yourself ! ❤️

Complicated Disaster September 21, 2021


Wranglingal September 21, 2021

oh I would for sure ring that bell, my mom did it for herself too and she is pulling thru really well and you will too

Florentine September 21, 2021

It’s so exciting! And your outlook is the correct one: take every opportunity to celebrate your tenacity and strength. Your body and mind deserve love, grace, and acknowledgment. ❤️

sparklespeterson September 21, 2021

Ring the bell!


.allison. September 21, 2021

Maybe bring in an air horn? Or a mic for a mic drop?

colder September 21, 2021

So kind to take care of the staff who took care of you! Congrats on getting to the end of this race. Hopefully the last one, but either way none of us are ever going to bet against you in anything. :)

plushcreep September 21, 2021

What is ringing the bell exactly? I guess I'm not familiar with the ritual...

Parliament plushcreep ⋅ September 22, 2021

It's done by patients to mark the end of chemotherapy treatment. A "last day of school" ritual if you will.

plushcreep Parliament ⋅ September 22, 2021

Ahh...thank you!

Nash September 21, 2021

You are absolutely right and ring the crap out of that bell. Congratulations and mucho respect for getting through this.

Marg September 22, 2021

Complacent pfft! Clearly that came from someone who doesn’t know you well AT ALL! You ring that bell loud and clear and enjoy your celebrations :)

Parliament September 22, 2021

That oncologist friend of yours needs to brush up on his humanity.

gemidevi September 22, 2021

Girl, at some point, I hope you get a chance to tell the Hot Doc that he needs to ring your bell!!

Good luck!! So happy for you! Yay!!

pandora September 25, 2021

I love that you ordered cake and goodies! What a celebration - I am so happy for you.

bobbi01 September 27, 2021

I cried like a baby when I saw you ring that bell. And then when everyone was outside....so cool.

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