Don't wanna close this chapter in The OpenDiary (OD) Days!

Don't wanna close this chapter - 9/27/2005

You know that whole scene in a movie where a person chases a departing train for as long as possible to say goodbye to their loved one who is a passenger on that train?  I felt like that today.

Here I sit on a bed, in my new home.  I woke up this morning in my old home, little that was left in it, had breakfast (what I could scrounge up left) and went to work for my half day.  I worked, and got home and packed the remainder of my stuff.  I had a full car load.  I hugged Luke goodbye as I left as he didn't think he'd see me, but I'd come back later on to clean, and he wouldn't be home til 9:30pm, so I'd miss him.  Anyway, around 7pm, when I'd totally loaded up the car and had nothing left to pack, Luke walked in the door.  I was so surprised to see him.  He was home early!  We talked normally and joked around like we do, and talked about what remainders had to be done.  We're worried about not getting our bond back because of a crack in the wall, we have no idea how got there.  Luke came up with the idea of me giving him my keys and the boomgate key, and he'd pay the electricity and phone bill come Friday.  That way I wouldn't have the need to go back.  I went and parked outside after loading my car full and ran back inside to give Luke the boomgate key, so he could bring his car inside.  He said to me, "So I guess this is it..."  I nodded sadly.  I knew this day was coming, when I'd have to part ways with Luke.  I so didn't want it to happen.  I gave him a long hug and a kiss on the lips, and he goes, 'Can I just say something?'

When he said that, I teared up.  I was brave up until that point.  I was in an embrace from the guy I've had so many incredible experiences with, with my eyes facing toward the floor and my head resting on his chest.  I braved myself and looked up at him asking, 'Sure, what is it?' with tears swelling in my eyes, the occasional one dropping onto his singlet.  He said to me, "Ever since the day I met you, you've always meant the world to me...I've always known you as the nicest, most caring guy I've ever met in my life.  Everything you've done for me, I will never ever forget and I'll never meet a guy quite like you ever again, cos guys like you don't come around all that often, if at all.'  He gave me this speech about how amazing I was, I wish I could remember it all.  It was only like 2 hours ago when I left that place, and as i hugged him and forced myself to let him go, my hand left his, our touch was broken, and I quickly walked out the door.  As I was talking, my tears turned to waterfalls.  I was so glad he couldn't see me, cos I was a mess, a complete mess.  The experiences and the life challenges I've had with Luke have been none other than incredible beyond all reason.  We lived together since the very first day we went out as boyfriends.  We were loving partners for over 6 months, my longest relationship ever, and we were housemates for the remaining three.  And just tonight, we close that chapter in both our lives.  Matt and Luke will no longer see each other and wrestle on the bed/floor/wherever, we will no longer joke around and get along like a house on fire, and we will no longer learn from each other.  I will no longer hear him singing away to music in the room next to mine, and as I sit here tearing up once again, I realise he is no longer my housemate whom I grew to love, appreciate, learn from and adore.

He is staying there tonight, and has the next two days off to clean the house from top to bottom.  I can't believe he i doing it all himself, as well as with his workmate Cindy, who he'll be living with.  I moved all my stuff and am now sitting in my room here.  My mate Johnny helped me move all my stuff.  Getting the computer desk up the stairs wasn't an easy task, but we did it without knocking any paint off the walls :)  The neighbour here came over and told us DSL isn't available, which sucks, so I ran a huge extention cable to Neville's room (with his permission), and am still using my dialup account which I had at my old place.  First thing i set up was this computer lol.  Guess I kinda had to.  Can't really fit the chair in here so I'm sitting on the bed currently.  I kind of, right now, feel like I'm staying in a hotel.  This will be my first night here.  It's 11:30pm, and Nev was asleep in bed by the time I arrived back here with my ca load.  It was pouring rain on the drive over.  I think Nev starts work at like 4am or something, and reckons he will be home by like 9:45am - I probably won't even be awake then to go start work!  He bought these cabling-stabilisers, which we're going to use to clamp the phone cord down so that no-one trips on it, cos currently it crosses the pathway to Nev's ensuite and my bathroom.  Just want to tidy it up a little.

I'm still going to be ages until I sort everything out here the way i want it.  Currently there are boxes everywhere, including the spare room.  The spare room is great cos I can have friends stay over, unless it was him cos then he could sleep in the same bed as me ;) haha.  I told Luke about him - well actually that'd kinda true, he knew something was going on anyway cos of the ridiculously late hours I was getting home all the time anyway.  He's real happy for me.  I just know it's going to be so weird not living with him anymore.  Not only that, trying to do things right here so as not to piss Nev off.  He seems pretty cool though, cept as I was leaving work today, Jeff didn't help by telling me he's known him for years and can be quite moody a lot of the time.  That kinda upset and scared me, but I guess I'll soon find that out.  I've done from living with an 8 year old gorgeous ex boyfriend, to a 40-something year old gay guy.  I'll take a while to get used to living with him, and I guess find out what my boundaries are and stuff.  I feel really really bad about the internet tying up the phone line, so I'm only going to try to use it at night time after he's gone to bed, or when he's not home.  He seems to use the phone a fair bit.  I'm still gunna try to get DSL here, I mean I might as well try, but the neighbour said not to bother cos he's been trying for 2 years, and reckons I should save my time.  I'll try.  They can only say no, right?  Would be fantastic if I could.  if not, dialup it is.  It's not like I don't have internet at all, like I thought I might not have.  But Nev's been nice and let me fiddle around with the phone line in his room, and run a cord to my room.  I had all the gadgets from previous houses.

It's a great place here. I'm literally now a one minute walk from Carseldine train station.  Will be great!  He will hopefully want to come over all the time, if he's up for it and wants to see me, which will cheer me up a lot, especailyl during these early stages of living here.  He's catching a 4am flight to Melbourne tomorrow to go to Garbage's Melbourne gig.  God he's a huge fan! :)  What I love about him, he's so spontaneous.  That's why I didn't hang out with him tonight like usual on a Tuesday night.  He sent me a msg apologising and reckons he will make it up to me by coming to visit me on Thursday.  I hope so!!  haven't seen him since Saturday and I think I just need people to be around right now, cheer me up a little and to help settle my nerves.  Who knows what this new experience will be like.  Who knows?  Luke and I will keep in touch and have each other's addresses.  I just can't wait to have him over here and us hang out as friends.  I think I'd go insane if I didn't experience a bit of the past fun I'd had with Lukey.  Maybe this will be great for our friendship.  Maybe it won't.  Who knows.  At least now my ex's might visit me now that I don't live with an ex-boyfriend haha.

God, I so need some food.  I'm starving but don't have anything.  4 days of work to get through :( Wahhh, so don't need this right now.  I just wanna unpack everything and get settled in.  I just realised i think I left my work clothes back at the other house.  I asked Luke to check the 3rd drawer for me cos he's staying there tonight.  If so I guess I'll be going back and getting them!  I only got the pair of work clothes I was wearing before, and they are a bit dirty, but looks like I might have to wear them again tomorrow.  I don't wanna close this chapter of my life, cos it was so fun, but who knows, maybe the plot will thicken...

Notes: --------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm happy for you- being so brave!

keep going and making even better chapters!!!!! it'll be a long glorious book eventually! :) [J HENRY] 9/27/2005 10:09:59 AM

wow, what he said to you is so nice. i suppose you can always visit him, no?

good luck in your new place!! [EternallyHopeful] 9/27/2005 10:33:36 AM

That IS brave...

and sad too. [Jeffaphonic] 9/27/2005 10:49:46 AM

aw, the opening to this entry made me feel all funny inside. I have had that feeling far too many a time. x [magicalbeans] 9/27/2005 11:07:35 AM

Moving is a very brave and difficult thing to do! So scary and nerve-racking and exciting at the same time! Just keep busy and things will settle in no time.

Don't look at it as closing a chapter, look at it as adding something new and exciting to the plot.

Good luck! :-) [jessicah] 9/27/2005 11:19:26 AM

Closing one chapter means only the beginning of a new one. And maybe the experiences in the new one will be even better than the experiences in this one. I sure hope everything works out for you.

Mick [Amadeus] 9/27/2005 12:08:33 PM

Hey just wanted to thank you for your note. I've been out of it of late and not updating or reading but will be getting back into it here soon once things settle down a little bit. But wanted to let you know I really appreciated your kind thoughts.

-Matt- [USSCASFOA] [p] 9/27/2005 12:24:04 PM

I like your entries :) [CollegeDude84] 9/27/2005 12:26:52 PM

Sigh, Matt... the beginning of this entry made me feel like crying, it's so deep and moving and so, so... sigh. Am I overreacting? I think I am. But you know, you're tonnes braver than I could ever be, because I'd never have enough strength in me to walk away from there--where so many things happened--to go somewhere else. So, you know, big bear hug from a tiny guy

kiss [Nesstwy.] [p] 9/27/2005 12:57:25 PM

RYN: I can't argue with what you said. I agree. [Sex Hound] 9/27/2005 1:25:36 PM

That was beautiful man, like poetry. We are all here for you when ever you need help or advise, so don't hesitate to ask. Take care buddy. [C-Dub85] 9/27/2005 2:53:46 PM

awwww!! [SEPIA EMISSION] 9/27/2005 3:18:59 PM

I think you said it perfectly with the running after the train for as long as possible in waving goodbye. That's how I've felt every time Andrew and I have had to leave each other. Even thinking about it makes me get teary-eyed.

It's time for a new chapter in your life. Be brave and keep a stiff upper lip. Great things will being to happen before you know it. [Rachel Erin] 9/27/2005 5:18:06 PM

I just wish that I could somehow find the words to tell you how very sorry all of this happened. But Matt remember this: When one door closes, another one opens up. This chapter of you life is over but a new one will beging. Some people come into our lives and quickly go, others come and stay a while and leave foot prints on our hearts. That's how it was with Luke. You're gonna be alright.

Ben [Taste The Rain Bow] 9/27/2005 7:14:15 PM

your write so beautifully! [one summer] 9/27/2005 9:40:04 PM

closing a chapter in your life is so hard. hope all goes well : ) [butterflybabe13] 9/27/2005 10:01:28 PM

Awwwww i hate change and moving on, ive had to do it once before when i really didnt want to but after i did my life got a whole lot better and i would never go back. Trust me you will learn to love it and once u do u wont ever want to go back =)

lots of love, lex [miss_barbie] 9/27/2005 10:08:04 PM

[Prince Zidane] 9/27/2005 10:17:01 PM

Wow...that's heartbreaking. I hope you and Luke do still see each other because it sounds like you were really good friends and it would just be sad to lose that sort of friendship/companionship. Hugs, [broken.wings.] 9/27/2005 10:20:07 PM

Well it really happened didn't it? Try getting some stucko from a hardware store. You can use that to cover the crack in the wall. I think you could use a good joke. I have one that's guaranteed to work. Too long for here so I'll email it to ya. So, when's the housewarming party? Gotta have a party in a new house. Unless the roommate says no. :-( Doesn't sound like a party kinda guy.

yours Jeffy [mobyduck] 9/27/2005 10:33:39 PM

awwwww I felt so bad for you Matt. I am sure Luke was crying waterfalls too and thinking the same thing.... Chris said to tell you hi and he hopes you feel better soon.... Love ya lots Mermz

[Mermy] 9/27/2005 11:00:54 PM

It is so tough closing a chapter in your life. You have memories and that is more than anyone can hope for. Chin up love, you will pull though this! I promise. [3daygomer] 9/27/2005 11:14:35 PM

catch up, babe. [Fantasy Diary] 9/27/2005 11:50:03 PM

Are you in the estate/suburb called Fitzgibbon ? With all the street names that are flowers ? I used to live there ! [Ezra_Medic] 9/28/2005 3:16:04 AM

yeah it is a bit scary, the move into new and unfamiliar surroundings. I've done it about four times since I moved to brisbane now. I also made a point of setting the computer up first!

Thanks for the kind note. I'll see what I'm doing but I've got some heavy shite due soon so this weekend might be problematic [TheBlindArcher] 9/28/2005 6:03:08 AM

saying goodbye can be the hardest thing...

i dont know if this helps, but its something i find myself coming back to a lot when im in similar situations. You've probably heard it before: "Every new beginning means an end to what was before." Amazing times lie ahead, and anything is possible. Wishing you all the best! ~kez. [dysfunctional_faerie] [p] 9/28/2005 8:40:32 AM

you're such a romantic, hun. that's one of my favorite things about you [LegallyGay80] 9/28/2005 1:33:20 PM

[tisk] 9/28/2005 7:49:26 PM

I hate unpacking. I certainly don't envy you there.

And damn, you write long entries. :) [[un]masked] 9/28/2005 8:11:09 PM

Matt, Oh my god. Before I was even finished reading your entry, I had to click "add to favorites." What you wrote was so genuine, so sincere, so amazingly sweet. God, I remember the romantic days. The days when everything seemed new and fresh. Jason and I have been together for a year and eight months and have been living together for more than a year. I sometimes think about the end...what it... [yellow_bull] 9/28/2005 8:14:10 PM

...feel like, what memories wil be fresh, which ones I'll forget.

You have such a way with words that just makes me want to read more. I guess I'll have to spend some time catching up with the "Matt" of the present and learn what has happened to make the man he is right now, in this entry. Gosh...I can tell that you are...one of the good ones. Sweet dreams...thanks for the note and letting me... [yellow_bull] 9/28/2005 8:15:55 PM

...know you're here in your little corner of the web. Check out my last couple entries, if you want, to get a bearing of who I am and what's going on and such. And thanks for the compliment on the design! The opinion of my peers is all I care about. What are grades, anyway? =) Have a great night. Nice to meet you! - Tom [yellow_bull] 9/28/2005 8:17:19 PM

RYN: Yup. Hibiscus is a flower :o)

And no - no Japanese. LOL. [Ezra_Medic] 9/28/2005 8:43:29 PM

Mind if I add you to my faveorites? [MonkeyBoy179sAngel] 9/28/2005 9:23:41 PM

RYN: lol nah my comp screwed up when I saved it and deleted the survey and then I couldn't delete the entry till just now lol, sorry for confusion :D [SinderellaX] 9/29/2005 4:32:22 AM

i love you email me anytime at black_rose1688@yahoo.com [emotion x sickness.] 9/29/2005 10:02:55 AM

Wow, I kinda got sad reading all of that. I hope you're able to deal with it all okay.

RYN: Yeah, I've gone through a few things in my life, but I think other people have always had it worse... :) [Sex Hound] 9/29/2005 1:59:08 PM

You write soo much i dont feel like reading it. Hope your life is going good! [Archer_Mage] 9/29/2005 4:06:14 PM

Hey, I've just written an entry about this same feeling. It's about how people can leave your daily life, but never your heart. Not to go all Midday Movie on ya, but Luke will never too far away. It's like yeah the chapter's done but the book's not.

Oh and just get the people in your building/area to petition Telstra for ADSL and they should do it for free. Yay for working for a phone company :) [theotherme] [p] 9/29/2005 4:14:10 PM

wow....that would be hard walking away from someone after having them say how amazing of a person you are. i know i'd be a mess as well. I think he will become a bigger part of your life in the future, at least i hope thats how it goes. i'll be thinking about you though. have a great day/night! :~) hugs [PetiteAnge] [p] 9/29/2005 6:28:49 PM

Be Brave Matt, Don't look at it as closing a chapter, instead realize that you are really just beginning this chapter. Love Ya! Hang in there, we all have your back.

Huggs!!!

[GardenBoi] 9/30/2005 2:55:46 AM

Interested in being apart of a gay-straight post? If so send an emial to gltbpost@yahoo.com and I'll send you the user name and pass word. There are details on the diary front page!! Hope we can have you as a member!!

GLTB POST [GLTB POST] 10/1/2005 8:06:20 PM

Loved the way you ended the entry.

Anyways,

You are a great guy, and Luke's probably right. I'm glad that you have found a new place and are just settling in. I suppose a change of scenery will help you out some more, especially with... dare I say his name?... "HIM"

lol. Love ya lots, and I'm updating now... ttyl,

-James [Beez] [p] 10/1/2005 9:39:53 PM

Last updated May 13, 2014