I'm a strange one... in The OpenDiary (OD) Days!

I'm a strange one... - 9/16/2005

I need to write.   I need to write.  Today was one of those days.  A day when a mixed overwhelming wave of emotions ran through my head and played hopskotch to the beat of the Timewarp.  I know that didn't make sense, but my god, what a mind day.

He was on my mind so much today.  He always seems to be.  I don't know what is wrong with me or why I am behaving the way I am.  I told myself I wouldn't fall for him, but in the words of Tash at work, "You failed miserably".  I did, I failed.  I've fallen for him.  And now I know I'm gunna get hurt.  i know it.  He probably doesn't even feel anywhere near the same.   Today I sent him a message saying 'have a good day gorgeous guy.' - God did I feel stupid after sending it.  I was thinking 'oh no he is so gunna hate reading that, and it'll make him awkward cos he only sees me as a mate.'  I so dont wanna be in this predicament.  Not when I'm hanging out with him Sunday.  He's so gotta know I like him.  More than like him.  I feel like I'm becoming obssessive, and it sucks!  We so don't have much in common for a long term relationship!  What is this?  Why do I want him so bad?  Why do I think of him so much?  Why do I do this?  I don't want to be hurt and I don't want to hurt him, but it's like this is an inevitable, it's like I'm tied to a rope being dragged toward to open mouth of a crocodile with a lollipop between its teeth.  I wanna go for the lollipop but I know it's dangerous.  I know I'll get hurt.  Does anyone know what I mean?

Hopefully I'll behave myself come Sunday.  Not lunge at him and pash him and then run away in fear of the reaction I'll get.  Maybe I should.  Haha, God I don't trust myself sometimes.  He's so damn beautiful with lips I just want to experience.  I WANT to know how he kisses.  That's it.  A kiss from beautiful lips.  I've really gotta settle down.  I'm moving waaay too fast on a guy I barely know.  This is gunna be interesting.  I'm gunna be paranoid.  No doubt about it.  I'll be paranoid ewither way.  I hate parnoia.  it interferes with the person I try to be, yet I can't help it.  I don't even know how all this started.  See, it's dangerous cos I know he wants to kiss me too, but I know we are both afraid of fucking things up.  Gosh is there a way around this?  Can i ask him for a kiss and say I don't want it to mean anything?  but it will.  oh it so will for me.  It will be heavenly for me.  And then I'll have done it.  One kiss - kiss of death so to speak.  Or kiss of life.  I don't like the stats my heart tells me on the first option.  Oh I so wanna.  You know what I reckon will probably happen?  I'll tell myself 'fuck if' and go for it.  And then I'll close my eyes tight and wait for the '..I don't mean to lead you on but we should just be friends...' or something along those lines.  Actually, come to think of it, that'd be what i wanted to hear.  But it would hurt too.  But it would be good.  God I don't even know if i have a win/win or a lose/lose situation with this one. 

I look at myself and look at all the guys I've been with in the past, in one way or another.  What was best for me and what probably wasn't the wisest choice.  I've only even had 1 one-night-stand, and it wasn't really a night, it was during the day.  I actually skipped church to fuck him.  God I still can't believe I did that and musta asked God to forgive me so many times.  He knows all I've done though, and I know he looks out for me.  And I look at the boyfriends I've had.  I've had 4 so far.  Each different in their own way.  Each special in their own ways.  And i look at him and wonder what would or wouldn't happen.  How at this stage i want to feel his lips pressed against mine.  Cuddle him.  be with him.  As friends, not as boyfriends.  Purely for the fact you can't fuck it up that way.  But knowing me it would end up that way.  Depending on what he wants.  My mind's just a jumbly mess.  Over a guy I still barely know.  A beautiful guy.  I often wonder what part of my life he will play.  A major part or a minor part?  Will our lips meet?  Will he feel anywhere near as much as I seem to for him?  Will I get over him?  Will my feelings just keep getting stronger?  They have been lately, and it's scaring me.  It scaring me to the point where I may do something stupid, and scare him off.  He's gorgeous, i can't do that.  I can't hurt someone so beautiful.  And I can't be over-obsessive, which is exactly how I feel I'm becoming.  I'm a strange one...

Notes: --------------------------------------------------------------------

RYN: You know what, I don't watch QAF...or much else TV for that matter. :) But I guess guys are afraid of commitment, regardless of orientation. :) [Sex Hound] 9/16/2005 10:34:34 AM

i don't know anyone who doesn't like a sweet text message, honey! and maybe he DOES like you. you never know :)

ryn: you never know who to trust, but i've been going to this doctor for 10 years, so i definitely trust his advice and opinion, so i'll keep using splenda :) [apples and cherries] 9/16/2005 10:59:22 AM

Becoming over obsessive can be dangerous in the beginning, but it shows just how much you care about him. Don't rush it, but dont let it lie either...there is something between you two, and that something doesnt come around every day.

Figure out what he wants somehow. Or maybe just kiss him to get it over with? He wants to kiss you too, and that means something!!!

Have a good weekend :-) [jessicah] 9/16/2005 11:00:49 AM

The other chapers are from the book of Mormon.. That is all I'll say. :) [The Cherry] 9/16/2005 11:17:14 AM

you're no strange one, or otherwise the entire world must be strange. I'm strange. No there is a very simple term for everything you are doing and experiencing right now, it's called "being in love"

X mick [Amadeus] 9/16/2005 11:37:11 AM

Oh my gosh, man....You and me....our relationships ended almost at the same time...and now....we both have these new guys....and we both feel kinda the same confusion. Thats so crazy ironic to me...I remember reading your entries when you last relationship ended...and I was feeling what you wrote....here I am again. Good luck!

-JJ :) [shrektrek] 9/16/2005 11:48:08 AM

Your over reacting. Being a little obsessive in normal in the begining... just dont be demanding! [Archer_Mage] 9/16/2005 12:27:07 PM

Mate, the only advice I can give you right now is sleep. Sleep is my only luxury, and it really should be one of yours. These past few days have been rough and all obsessivey and paranoid and very, very ugly for me, and believe me today I had my first direct homophobic experience in India (I'll write about it when I stop shaking inside)... and sleep, beautiful sleep is the only solution for such.. [Nesstwy.] 9/16/2005 12:45:34 PM

...things. Really. It sounds stupid, but whenever something shitty happens and I break down because of the usual melodramatic schizophrenic manic depressive whatnot I think I have, all that can make everything better is sleep.

Stupid, stupid advice, Matt, but... that's all I have. It'll help you, I swear. Try it. The more the mind is idle the more you obsess, yeah, but sleep, not rest is... [Nesstwy.] 9/16/2005 12:47:32 PM

... what you need.

I'll shut up now. [Nesstwy.] 9/16/2005 12:47:58 PM

Matt, this is the "falling for him" part, just like you said. You are fascinated by everything about him, and you want to know EVERYTHING about him. I'll bet, given what I know of you, he's just as fascinated with you! HE SHOULD BE!!!!

Love,

Jack

[mikeysjack] 9/16/2005 1:07:17 PM

hey, i've definitely felt like that over a guy before, its a very scary and rather insecure point in the relationship. i think its normal the way your feeling and i think that if your up front with him about these feelings that you have for him then all this worry and fretting will be over...and i really hope that he doesnt hurt you. your too amazing of a guy to ever be hurt by someone hug :~) [PetiteAnge] 9/16/2005 1:36:11 PM

Ok Sweetie a few things...#1 you don't have to have a lot of things in common to develop a longlasting relationship, its sounds like you guys connect really great and that right there is what will make a relationship work. #2 You are falling for a great guy, DEAL WITH IT, this is a good thing and is what you need, sometimes you have to work with what life throws at you, so work with it.

Huggs!!!

[GardenBoi] 9/16/2005 1:48:21 PM

By the way send me a message on MySpace so we can talk in more detail about this issue and without constraints on the length of messages. Thats the one thing I don't like about OD not enough space for notes...

Huggs!!!

[GardenBoi] 9/16/2005 1:50:13 PM

We still love you...

RYN: Yes, he's a great guy.

-James [Beez] 9/16/2005 3:01:14 PM

Oh wow...This has only happened to me once and I knew the guy and hated him for three years beforehand. I don't know what advice to offer, except to try to hold back on expressing this. The feeling probably won't go away, but you can still be around him without the urge dictating your every action regarding him. I hope that this helps...Good luck. [broken.wings.] [p] 9/16/2005 3:29:26 PM

you're in like! hmmm . . . know something? i just get the feeling that letting go of luke was kind of easy. am i right, am i wrong? MSN: calteaempo@hotmail.com

[Prince Zidane] [p] 9/16/2005 5:43:15 PM

falling is the best part

[easy, happy, endings] 9/16/2005 6:44:52 PM

he might like you back and yes that is normal don't worry it's scary to be smitten with some one trust me i know. [SEPIA EMISSION] 9/16/2005 8:21:06 PM

RYN: You made me nearly cry. You're such a beautiful person. Inside & out.

And in resp to this entry: don't sweat it so much beautiful man; that's exactly how I felt about Tommy from the get-go. [Ezra_Medic] 9/16/2005 8:26:47 PM

Adding my weird user name to the mix...

Just tell him how you feel, easy enough for me to say. Most people, including myself in the past, prefer to torture themselves slowly for about six months and read meaning into every nuance and gesture, spending half the time going apeshite, the other half buoyant.

Make your choice :-) [TheBlindArcher] 9/17/2005 1:23:11 AM

i no what its like to be over obsessive - u just cant help it sometimes. hope every thing goes well : ) [butterflybabe13] 9/17/2005 2:36:12 AM

one thing ive learnt is not to judge myself on past mistakes i might have made.. and like u, i try not to look into things too much bcoz im afraid of getting my hopes up for nothing.. it seems like you and him have alot of fun together, so who knows. at least u know ur going to have a fabulous friendship come out of this.

xxxx [rachface] 9/17/2005 3:54:12 AM

Dude,you reallyarnot all that strange!! :) [C-Dub85] 9/17/2005 1:33:45 PM

You know what? Just ask him if you can kiss him. If he says yes then you are freaking over nothing. If he says he'd rather not then say OK sorry, just thought I'd ask. Don't start crying. Matt, you are just a fool for love. It could be worse. You could be home watching bad movies eating ice cream and tim tams getting fat! :-) We don't want no fat Matt. So relax. Take a bubble bath.

yours Jeffy [mobyduck] 9/18/2005 12:03:34 AM

Last updated May 13, 2014