20 years in Everyday life

I’d meant to post this on or around Aug. 1, but forgot. I keep forgetting that this is here.

Anyway I’ve now been doing this online diary thing for 20 years. Yes, 20.

My first post: https://www.opendiary.com/m/kingofi/just-a-day-48-2044418/

I’m embarrassed — couldn’t spell that word then, still forget the second R now until prompted by spellcheck — by some of the dreck that I posted as an early 20-something.

But it’s still there for everyone to view.

At the time it was my main social outlet. That was not healthy. I was too scared to socialize with people. I didn’t want them to see how much of a weirdo I was! I’m still weird and I still don’t want people to see how much of a weirdo I am, but I’ve come to accept it (mostly).

I was afraid to interact with anyone, men or women. There were some ups, but often downs; self-inflicted downs. I’d like to think I’ve grown. Who knows if that’s true.

My writing has regressed IMO. I actively wanted to be a writer and was pursuing a journalism career. Now I’m a web monkey and hit keys for a living, but not usually to write.

I’m calmer and more mature, but I also gave up a lot along the way. I still wish I had a bit of that youthful idealism, or even that energy. Now I seem to need nine hours of sleep a night.

It’s been interesting to see the realm of that certain old place and its spiritual successor morph into young adulthood as I reach middle age. I’m pretty sure zero original readers are still on here. A few are Facebook friends, but we’re not as “close” as we were when we were a small virtual community writing daily about how miserable or how frightened or how happy or how drunk we were. They’re married and/or have children, or maybe they’re divorced, or maybe they’ve tracked down wicked cool jobs somewhere.

I don’t hide from society now. I’m in a solid relationship, and I’m lucky she puts up with my nonsense on a daily basis. Still, I yearn for those early days — I don’t know if I miss my youth, the community, the promise life held. It’s probably a mix of all of those things.