I need to update many, many things.
Work: Here at the office now. I only seem to want to write when I’m sitting upright at my desk with my multiple screens and with other work going on. I still feel productive because I can write an entry between things. Anyway, work’s been sucky lately because a lot of things that happened around the time I found out about my cancer are coming back around and biting me in the ass. And because I’ve shown that I can still work full time and I’m feeling “fine” and all, the expectation is that I should be working at 100%. But the honest truth is that I’m definitely not 100%. In fact, I’m maybe about 65%, and that’s on the days when I’m not plugged into FOXY, the chemo ball. I’m also super frustrated with the girl who was hired to replace my engineer guy. She has ZERO experience with the type of product I work with and provides about 25% of the support I was used to getting - even with the slow, slow engineer guy. And honestly, I want to not give as much of a shit about stuff right now, but I can’t let some things go. I was wracked with anxiety over the weekend thinking about WORK. And this should not be the case. I should be focusing my energy on making sure I am getting myself back to healthy mode.
Therapy: I’m also working on getting myself back into therapy. It’s been years, and I’ve had some ridiculous experiences with therapists, but I feel all of this mounting tension as the end of this chemo treatment inches closer. I’m trying to be proactive and get myself into therapy, but I’ll be a motherfucker if it isn’t a LOT more STRESS!! By the end of last week I was relieved that I’d found someone who could do a virtual visit on a Sunday! How perfect! And yet, how shitty that the guy was a no-show. I spent a good portion of my day prepping for this initial meeting, even writing a list of all of the traumas and things I wanted to discuss as there is a LOT to discuss! So it’s back to the drawing board and back to the hunt to find a therapist and I’m just so over this search. It’s like trying to find a boyfriend (and we all know how that’s going for me).
The Cyclist: Which brings me to the Cyclist. Yes, we thought we’d heard the last of this guy, didn’t we? But I think he wanted to check some things off his list before we were through. I think he felt guilty for telling me that he could install a light fixture at my apartment and then telling me that he might not be able to and then telling me that he actually could (??1!). So he reached out and reached out and wore me down and finally I said OKAY! Come install this fixture!! And he came over and it was clearly a little harder than he thought it would be so he huffed and puffed around. I asked him if I could help and he asked me for some wire cutters, so I got them for him and he snipped and snapped and then freaked out because he couldn’t figure out which wire was what. Unfortunately, through all of his huffing and puffing around he saw me roll my eyes, at which point he called me a “pain in the ass”… and it was at that very moment that I knew I was completely done with him. I didn’t say anything back to him; I just moved to the other side of the room and watched TV until he finished. Once he was done, he was like, “Okay, I’m done” and I was all, “boy bye!” And he was gone. And the light fixture is FANTASTIC! So. He served his purpose.
The Treehouse: Let’s talk about the still-new-to-me apartment, shall we? I am absolutely loving this place. Every evening after work I can’t wait to get home and just lounge around and take walks in the park and sit on the balcony and just…ahhhh! It’s been such a fun project. Every weekend I have stuff to do to make it more of a home. Last weekend I had the BIG bed delivered for the main bedroom. I’ve been sleeping in my old bed in what will be the guest bedroom once I get the main bedroom complete. The big bed is this bed and I don’t yet have any bed coverings for it, or any pillows or anything for that matter!! But as soon as I get everything together, I’ll try to figure out how to post a series of photos of the place. There’s still SO much to do. I have plans and little projects for just about every room in the apartment and they are so close to being photo-worthy, but not quite yet. I still need to order a dresser for the bedroom (which will help me with my closet space - which is still not complete yet!). So much to do! Thankful that I have this while I’m still pretty much quarantining from the rest of the world.
Effing Covid: Okay, can we be done with this? I’m so angry that this could have alllll been a thing of the past if people had not made this political and weird. It’s so fucking hurtful to think that there are so many who are so selfish and not thinking of the greater good. And at the same time, I’m scared to death that something may happen to me during treatment or even after treatment is over where I’d need to go to the hospital for something or god forbid, need to have another surgery and I won’t be able to get the help I need. Or my parents have an issue! It’s just all so scary, sad and pathetic. And OH!! I did get a booster shot. So now I’ve had three Pfizer vaccines and I’m extremely relieved by that. I don’t get out much, but I do go to the office every day, so the risk is still there - especially since my WBC count and my platelets are being assholes.
Mom and Dad: Are doing as well as they can right now. Mom had to quarantine for 10 days after being exposed by the preacher at their church (!!!). So Dad came to visit me the weekend before last and as he was getting ready to leave, I just felt myself start crying. I didn’t want him to leave. It was really heartbreaking how he cried with me and again, I just feel so heartbroken that this should be the time when I’m taking care of my parents and not the other way around. I just hope that they remain as healthy as they can at least until we get this Covid under control.
Friends: I miss them desperately. I do get some little moments of amazing friendship from time to time. My sweet friend Maria is now driving me to and from all my chemo infusions and I’m beyond grateful for that. We are wearing masks the whole time and I appreciate that. Marce came over last week and brought me dinner one night and we gabbed and drank bubbly (I have a glass maybe once a month and I actually had 2 ½ with her!) and ohhhhh what a nice evening that was! [Athena] came to my new hood and we walked last weekend and that felt so good and just like old times. So I do get to see people occasionally, but I’m just DYING to get done with this treatment and DYING for Covid to die down and DYING for a wild night on the town. I want to dress up with the girls and drink bubbles and flirt with total strangers and feel like I’m ALIVE again. So many dreams…
Speaking of dreams, I am thinking of creating a new bucket list. Life is way, wayyyyy too short to be sitting here forever dreaming dreams without taking action.
Gotta run now. Things to do.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH,