8/3/21 in --

I am quieter now. The keyboard clacks and pen scrapes are rare these days. I don’t prefer to neglect any of this when life is ticking along without much misery on my part… but I realize that I have. I could come up with a list of things that get in the way of writing - but one look at my paper journal and I wrote more as a single parent working an intense job than I had in years. I will shelve my own myth and own up to my self-imposed neglect from the rationalization of “I’ll do it tomorrow” and then I don’t.

I used to be afraid to be alone with myself. I was anxious if things became too quiet, or I didn’t stay busy enough. If I became idle I would remember all of the uncomfortable and dizzying things swirling around in my head, and I’d remember the intense regret, self-loathing, and wishing I wasn’t me in my current lifeform. I don’t ever feel like this anymore. I remember all of it well, but the further away from these feelings I get, the more foreign it seems. I feel remorse that I wasted so much time hating myself and ticking time away like I had endless amounts of it. I guess 13-year-old me didn’t expect to live past the age of 30 though, but here I am despite my flimsy prediction.

I’ve always had a lot of persistence. Maybe too much, I’m stubborn like that. Although there are times when I feel something is unlikely, I’ll still forge ahead as though I fully expect to get what I want or reach the goal I set (but never ruthlessly). I am unsure if this is one of my better or weaker personality traits.

In any case, I had these main goals for 2021:
– get a roomier car
– quit my intense high-stress job for one with better work-life balance and less overall stress
– have healthier relationships
– move somewhere with more space

I’ve already met my goals for the year - and it’s only August.

I’m moving next month. Housing is insane… I didn’t see anything that I would want that was available and in a reasonable price range, and if I did, it went too quickly. I ended up contacting some places and asking if they thought anything would come available soon. One of the places I was very interested in didn’t have anything available, but I requested a tour anyway. Luck must have been on my side that day - the townhouse I wanted became available hours after I talked to the property manager because the person who applied decided to go with a 2-bedroom instead. I wouldn’t have had this opportunity if I wasn’t incessantly annoying rental places with my inquiries with what little free time I had. I don’t know how I would have found a place to live otherwise (there is hardly anything on the market in my price range big enough for me and the kids, and places go within hours of being posted for rent). I had to break my current lease but fortunately I have enough money to do so and it’s not as expensive as it could be. Can I get a F in the chat for my savings account, thx.

Despite how overwhelmed and busy I always am, I keep wondering how I can maximize my time. I still want to get into some kind of volunteering. I heard back from the free eye clinic I initially wanted to volunteer for, but I haven’t been successful in securing a weekend training time, so I’m going to keep checking until there is one. In the meantime, I have more than enough to do. I shouldn’t even think about adding more to my life than I already have. There is SO much I could be doing. Like preparing to move, FFS. Fortunately, my mom is helping me with some of the logistics (I can’t even begin to say how grateful I am for that. My mom is really good at getting shit done, I definitely got that from her).

I’ve been at my new job for almost three months. My manager has already moved our 1:1 meetings from every week to every two weeks. I’ve taken that to mean that I’m doing okay.
I’m over the grind though. I find myself fantasizing about how to move to the country and ditch wasting away precious hours in a cubicle. Some things have been a tradeoff. Some things have taught me that “good enough” really is good enough. For now.

I’ve met some of my bf’s family and he’s met some of mine.

I have to keep trusting and navigating all of my complicated thoughts and feelings, but right now I need sleep.

Last updated August 04, 2021