The work I do in Eye of a Hurricane

I really can’t depend on my knowledge to show up for me. It’s super frustrating when I know wth I’m talking about but I get jumbled up in my own thoughts and words. People notice I close my eyes when I’m talking, as I’m trying to focus on at least 1 thought when 50 others are vying for my attention. But the main thought is, God I must look like I’m insane and/or stupid having to do this, which then screws me up even more because I’m trying to get back to what the original question was. But if I don’t, then forget about getting a coherent train of thought. Idk why this is. I wish there was something I could do about it, but there really isn’t.
What’s even worse is that there’s an entire story to the question asked, and my brain INSISTS that every detail is important. So while you’re sitting there waiting for an answer, I have to sort through in .5 seconds what’s truly important to you while still wondering if you’re judging me for having this weird tick that I can’t seem to control. So oftentimes, I pick the wrong details and drop the lead-up for the sake of time. No one wants to hear the whole story, even if it does give more insight. But then what happens?
What’s been happening lately is I’m missing the important details and making inaccurate conclusions. I’m getting shit wrong in meetings. I prepared the wrong way. I want to say that I need more info before any meeting but it’s often met with silence or I don’t know how to formulate the question for the answers I need so I just don’t bother, or I feel that I’ll be met with a “You don’t know this? I thought you were the expert!” I’m not a mindreader.... At work, I’m met with downright condescension. So, I figure I’ll have to figure it out myself if I don’t want this negative experience. The exact question I can’t answer: why am I even here? Why am I even doing this? Does everyone just think that I am some little idiot that’s trying their best, but I look like a cognitively deficient toddler dressing up in daddy’s clothing? “Aw how cute! They think they’re doing work!” 🙄😑😡
“You’re focusing too much on what others think of you! You need to drop that!” OH HOW WISE OF YOU. Let me just drop YEARS of having this mindset that got subconsciously programmed into my psyche in a single moment. Gee, what would I do without your sage advice?
My problem isn’t that Idk anything. It’s that I have years of practice and knowledge. For what appears to be a minute’s worth of work is an hour of thinking, researching, and dealing with the knowledge I had available at the time. I’m friggin sick of getting reamed when I don’t even have all the answers in the first place. How am I supposed to do the work that is needed when I have to Frankenstein something together with the parts I have?
Agh!