3/28/21 12:50am in Memories

Pele is staying at Ssharks again. I feel terrible that it bothers me. I already know i’m not really a main part of our relationship, but it still sucks to have it emphasized. Pele can so casually call Sshark sweet names and vise versa. I get too nervous to try bc i feel like i’m budding in on their own moment. It’s always their moment. I don’t know how I’m gonna get out if this. I need out, and I know this. I need to tell them. But on the rare occasion that we are in person, i like being able to interact with Pele in slightly more intimate ways than simple hugs. the thought of leaving and having to watch them be even happier now that i’m out of the way is making me cry, but staying here is making me crumble to pieces slowly.
i still really crave a human presence to fall asleep next to. i’d like to cry.
it’s March. Daniel is 18. i wanted to wish him a happy birthday on the 21st, somehow i still remember, another thing stored in the vault. i hate that i’ll feel finally free and then i’m pummeled with waves of regret for ever saying my goodbye. i really miss him rn, and im angry at myself for it. if i let someone know, they’ll tell me to stop, that he hurt me. but he didn’t. it WAS all me. i sent finally him away even though we already hardly talked. i let go. maybe if i had let myself keep hanging on to the small shreds of communication i would have moved on and been able to text him randomly if wanted. i still want to take him to see a sunset. i wanna watch his reactions to the wonderful colors that bloom in the sky. i still want to show him the stars from calico where the sky is clear. i wanna listen to him fiddle with his guitar. i wanna make him a blanket burrito.
i want to hug him again.
i wanna feel safe again.
i want the world to feel bright again.