When it lurks near in Many things

All my life, ever since I was a child who understood it, felt like being dragged forward by time to events I’ve been so terrified of. I think about my parents. I think about how cruel it is.

12 years ago my brother convinced our parents to adopt a puppy. I remember how small he was. I remember him being afraid of the dark. I remember how he slept on my chest for the first time. He has orange brown fur, a furry white chest and what I like to imagine is a smile on his face. Some people are intimidated by him, but he’s a good boy. He looks at the world with excitement and enthusiasm. I told myself that I would buy a car “by fall”, “by winter”, “by spring”… “by summer”, and take him on many many adventures. But I’ve been so stuck on finding the “perfect” car that I forgot the point of it.

He was recently diagnosed with cancer and was given 2 weeks.

The regret of not taking him out on more walks and letting him experience life outside of our neighborhood is weighing heavy. I wish I’ve done more for him. I remember the many times he looked at me with his big brown hopeful eyes, asking me to take him out on a walk. I neglected him so many times. Now all I can think about is as if he was begging me, “please let me see the world… I want to experience life… I don’t have much time…”. I wish I’ve done more. It’s one of my biggest regret. I will never forget the difference I could have made.

Its almost 5am now and I’m afraid to fall asleep. I’m afraid of that moment of peace followed by this feeling of agony as reality floods back into my waking mind. I’m afraid of life and its cruelties. But I have no choice but to continue to be dragged forward.

I know that at an old age, when I think about family, this kind brown dog that loves life will forever be in my memories.

Last updated July 05, 2021