Simple Mind’s Bizarre Survey in Hot town, summery in the city - 2017

I’ve seen one rather boring version of this… I’m going to make it super, amazing. especially given that I’m in bed feeling crap (the feeling crap began mid-hike this afternoon and was followed by an utter determination in (a) getting back to the car along the shortest distance possible and (b) staying upright while doing so. So. Survey…

1) Take any song lyrics that have one word that repeats a lot. Replace that word with something else. For example, you could take the song Safety Dance and replace the word “dance”.

I’m going to take the song Closer by Nine Inch Nails and I shall replace the word ‘fuck’ [to fornicate with another being] with the word ‘ milk’ [to manipulate the mammary glands in order to excrete milk]. Hereby creating a chorus that goes, “I wanna milk you like an animal, I wanna milk you from the inside, I wanna milk you like an animal, you bring me closer to God!”

2) You are the creator of a new TV show. The theme song is the song you created above. What genre of show is it and what’s it about?

This is a docu-soap about extreme dairy farming. The contents of the programme will take anyone’s desire to be vegan up by several notches.

Did you have a favorite stuffed animal aka stuffie as a child? What was it and what made it special to you?

Not specifically. Nothing I had to have with me at all times. I had a teddy that I was given to me at birth (and still have it) but ain’t no velveteen rabbit, that thing still has aaaallllll it’s fur!

The stuffie suddenly appears in the season 2 pilot of your TV show. It comes to life and becomes the overarching plot of Season 2. What does it want, and do things end well?

As a Teddy who suffered from neglect throughout its life, it is on the rampage against anything and everything that could cause physical, mental or emotional harm to any beings with fur/hair. The teddy turns up with the intent of setting free all the cattle, goats, sheep and other milk giving creatures. It ends in a blood bath of murdered extreme-farmers and a look of mild insanity on teddy’s face.

If your TV show used an Instagram filter to slightly tint your world a specific color, what would it be? (in my case it would be brown because my show is called Safety Fart)

Clarendon. It makes everything slightly too bright, too unreal.

Sorry, is that too many questions about this purely hypothetical TV show you never asked to be in charge of? All right then. How are things going?

Teddy has changed the word to ‘love’ and the programme is now based around a non profit farm which raises animals just for them to be cute and so we will love them.

Will there be a Season 3?

Absolutely, but viewing numbers will drop massively because humanity doesn’t currently seem able to be entertained unless there’s a reason to be angry about it.