Burn in 2021

It’s hot as hell. Is this hell? What’s good and what’s bad? Everything blurs together.

I’m at my favorite local coffee shop because it’s going to be 115 out today, shattering the hottest temperature Portland has ever seen. This place has AC, though I’m still sweating. They close at 3, so then I’ll go to the gym, enjoy that AC, and when I’m tired, I’ll go home and die in the heat at my house. We don’t have AC and the house is poorly wired in such a way that everything is on the same circuit and it’s easy to blow out the power. Such as when I hooked up my portable AC last month and did just that. The last lines of defense are a small army of low-powered fans and a general sense of apathy. Just a house full of sweaty nerds slowly wasting our lives away.

I’m doing work, because I slacked off this week. By 4 or 5 in the afternoon I lose focus, either because of the heat, or because I’m a slacker. I’m a full-time contractor now for the publishing company I’ve been doing side work for. I got a little behind on converting ebooks and helping with websites, several weeks ago, and it ended up causing a minor shitstorm with some authors. Instead of me getting in trouble, the CEO offered me a raise to immediately put in my two weeks at my day job and work full-time for this company. I did just that. I’m making a lot more than I was before, so that’s pretty cool. It’s back to writing shit off though and attempting whatever sort of low-level corruption I can get away with. Kind of like Lyft, but with less anxiety and more enjoyable work. It was just in time, too, as less than two weeks after I left, the lab I was worked at laid off several people here and like 25 at the Sacramento facility. So stupid. They are still hiring people too. It’s exactly like the previous lab I worked at. Some things never change. I don’t know how to run a successful business, but I definitely know the kinds of moves a person can make to absolutely ruin one after working at these two labs.

I just started this job, but once I have some money saved up, I can travel anywhere and work. I’ve not had these options before. I could go visit home, but I won’t, not yet anyway. I’m vaccinated, but it doesn’t sound like anyone back home is or plans on it. Not even my little brother, who is at least as smart as myself. As much as I’d like to pretend the concept of family isn’t merely exactly that in my life at this point, I’m also not interested in potentially being a carrier for anything and giving it to those idiots. Or having inevitable conversations and arguments about how fucking dumb Trumpism is with my parents or their friends. So I’m going to give it a year or two. My dad wants to come visit, and seems somewhat serious about it, so we’ll see. He knows he’ll have to deal with “mask wearing bullshit” if he visits. Although, well, who knows. Apparently Oregon is fully opening up at the end of the month and masks won’t be required. Seems like a bit early to go full bore, but what do I know. Lately I see people not wearing masks anyway, and no one seems to care. Let them embrace their indulgence I suppose, as long as they embrace the consequences that come along with it.

I’m definitely not fully adjusted to the work from home life yet. My chair sucks, and the fake leather is coming apart. Sometime soon I’m going to order an adjustable standing desk and one of those weird kneeling chairs, that should help. I haven’t really kept a set schedule, because I can make my own hours, but it seems prudent to. Although, in a way, it’s like…why? I don’t really have friends at this point, aside from my current and former roommates. It’s about time to reach out to all those I used to know, since things are opening up soon, and yet…I don’t want to. It’s probably unhealthy. I just know I’ll have to do all the work, and it’s just more distracting from my goals. Most of them are married or might-as-well-be-married homebodies, they probably are fine with the way things are now. All I really need to do is focus on work and getting better at that, and learning bass and working out. I was getting back into routine with the latter two, but before my side job became my main job, it started eating up a lot of my free time after getting home from my day job.

Everything is melting down, burning up, being reduced to ash. Everything in my world, at least. I still feel somewhat stuck in the past. I thought I had somewhat of a life here, but it burned up too. All those bonds that seemed important were incredibly fragile. It seems so inevitable. I could try to repair them, or meet new people, but why? We’re not on the same path, sometimes there’s nothing in common after the small amount of links between us are removed. I need to stay focused on trying to achieve my goals. The people that I meet through that might be worth keeping around. I just don’t have anything in common with anyone else, aside from the handful of friends I play video games with. Occasionally I’ll log into facebook and scroll the feed for a bit, and I just don’t get it. I can’t relate to this. There’s nothing of value here. Did I ever relate to it? Did there ever seem to be value? Do other people find value in it? Are places like that merely good to successful and ambitious people to spam their bullshit on the others? One day, once I have something to promote or brag about, maybe I’ll find value in it then. Until then, I’m just a ghost in this place that seems so alive without me. It sounds bad, but there are advantages. No obligations, no hesitations, just reformation. Struggling to try to change myself into a person that can get shit done, unconcerned with what others think. Striving for the self-focused indulgence that so many others seem to enjoy. I’m just a hungry ghost.