I always enjoyed walking at night. I stopped for a long time because night always came after the kids went to sleep and I couldn’t leave them alone when they were little. I took a walk just now, only 4km. I zoned and just smelled the smells and felt the misty air (it’s been raining quite a lot).
Yesterday I wistfully wished I could drive so that I could go to a waterway somewhere and “be”, and I’m still sad that I can’t do that yet.
Chatting with a patient yesterday we got onto the topic of what sort of art we do. I said I have been doing crochet but I’m not feeling it. She asked what type of art I DO feel… and I didn’t have an answer.
Earlier, Ian asked me how I am and I paused… I don’t know.
I just can’t self reflect. I am wholly dissociated. I don’t know how I am inside myself. I don’t know what I enjoy. Okay so I enjoy completely zoning out and feeling nothing… which is where the alcohol comes in because, that’s doing that for me and requires minimal effort. It also makes me tired so I sleep a lot… and I know that oversleeping is escapism, but again, I don’t know what I’d rather be doing.
I just sort of smashed myself to pieces raising kids and studying and managing the kid with non typical brain function then analysing the years of psychological conditioning from the incubator and my ex… that I’ve totally forgotten myself.
I know I like weird stuff… and I’m still moderately into hippy shit.. I was going to say “but that’s just stuff I like” so I guess I just answered my question? That’s the stuff I like… so I suppose… I should pursue doing more of that stuff to find my happiness? To find myself?
My boss called me earlier.
They’re offering to send me to Melbourne to see a private neurologist so that I can get medical clearance sooner, to drive and hence, to work. I’m not getting anywhere here. I think perhaps I need to see the Rheumatologist again to get the ball rolling and also set on fire so this process is expedited a bit more. Reception at Neurology said there is no request for me to have an EEG, which makes no sense because they’re checking me for seizures.... and that’s the test for seizures! ffs. So I just see the neuro and he will say “we need an EEG” and then I’ll have to start the whole process again? It’s been over 2 months now (And I’m still fat despite walking everywhere and the public transport system is a fucking joke, too).
Storey missed her meeting with School today. She can’t return to class until she’s had that meeting. So now she’s off until Thursday. I was so cross. She re-opened her wounds I noticed later today. Seeing her Psych tomorrow, I emailed her ahead with what is going on so she has an idea and potentially more time to spend with Storey talking about things instead of probing for answers.
Time to burn some sage or whatever.
SP
Loading comments...