Limbo in The Wanderer

Here I am lingering in limbo. Sometimes I feel like I have so much to say and so much to do in this world, and other times I feel like I have absolutely nothing. I'm tired of my mind. This sounds pathetic, but I sometimes get jealous of all those people who could smoke weed and zone this crap out. Sure, I have alcohol, but that just makes me fucking crazy. I feel like people my age either have their fucking shit together, or they are on the couch smoking weed. Where does that leave me? Uhhhh. I don't even know why I am having all of these thoughts. Why can't I just keep going forward and take what comes. I don't know. I had a lot of goals in mind regarding mindfulness, meditation, positive thoughts, but now I'm thinking I need to get back on my meds. I don't know how much longer I can keep going on like this.

Also the fact that I have no one to really talk to. I keep this shy girl persona going on at work, and this happy go-lucky persona going with other people I've met. But truthfully, in the back of my mind all I can think about is how none of this matters. How I am not anywhere I want to be. How I live in this shitty ghetto apartment with my parents. All I really have is Jasper. And at times I look at him and just say Jasper, fix mammma. Fix me. And he just looks at me like What mammma?

I have this weird thing where when I think back on things with Dave I freeze. I push the thoughts aside immediately. It is too hard to think about. I wrote him a long letter. I tried calling him today. I get into panic mode. I don't know why. I know this is the best thing for me. But it is fucking hard. Push through, save money. A few things need to happen within the next couple of years and then maybe things will change for the better. It is the only thing keeping me going, that one tiny bit of hope. For now, I need my distractions. Booze, company, work, and soon auto classes. Also, I finally found a Xanax hook up. That should hold me over until I get some sort of medical insurance. If I decide to go see someone again and get back on meds.