10 Months Later Update. in Life In The Now.

Hi all,

It has been a long time since I've written anything I know, times have changed a lot in the last ten months, I needed to lose myself to find myself after everything that had happened.

After my mum passed in July I somewhat retreated into myself until December. I had no direction, no purpose or will to really do anything. The shock and events that happened within that last week of her passing were scarring, those events have changed me and that change is still happening.

I was numb and although surrounded by family and close friends. I was alone; grief is a powerful thing and it affects everyone differently, we all need our own time, our own space but sadly even through tragedy, the world keeps on spinning and moving in its chaotic way and it wants you back to your routines A.S.A.P.

Your life has been irrevocably changed and you know it but nobody else seems to grasp that concept and so you make irrational choices like leaving a job with people you like, a job where you have prospects and opportunities instead to go and work for somewhere else because it is easier than facing something challenging in that moment.

This new job fits you perfectly as you shy away from things and want something easy, to be somewhere you don't have to think or feel, somewhere you don't need to bother with anything important because you won't grow here, you're just content that you can sink into the pointillism of the company logo and aspire to nothing.

How true, also; how depressing...

In December 2013 I made the choice to pick myself up again. I made plans to write 2013 off and make 2014 a better year for myself, a new start and a new beginning. I needed a new home, a new job, a holiday and to feel better about myself.

Fate smiled upon me when my old manager called me and said he was recruiting again for his department. It took me a few days to wrestle with the idea of going back, although when I walked through those doors and was greeted by familiar faces and people happy to see me I knew I'd be going back. December 15th 2013 I returned to my old company in a new role. The single best choice I got to make in 2013 and it felt good to have that control.

In January I decided to kick myself into gear again and move from my old home, so as of March 1st 2014 I moved to a new place, ironically across the road from work, rolling out of bed late, getting a shower and going to work has never been so easy, I can't tell you how ace that is lol :)

At the end of April 2014 and for the first few days of May I was on a project for work in London, it could be a pretty big thing if it all succeeds of which I'm confident it will. It was honestly great to be a part of it at such a crucial stage, but also great that people have the confidence in me to send me on such a thing and listen to my input on it; that meant a lot to me.

This month I'll take active steps to lose weight and get into a much better shape so I feel more confident in myself once again, come July I'll be going on holiday with my best friends to somewhere quiet and all inclusive. I don't need big nights out now. I just need to be surrounded by those I can sit out with during the day or at night, say nothing but still be perfectly content, that right there is creating a memory / sharing a moment and what is actually important in life.

For so long I felt that with everything that has happened to me over the years, the world owed me a living, it wasn't until I was forced in my mother's last month to cling and hold onto every precious moment, to every second I could get with someone so important to me that I really understood what life was really about. (I didn't come to this realisation until months later)

Getting my mum a cheese and onion pie, one of her favourite meals and seeing joy come across her face one last time in the hospital. I can't express how much that memory means to me and how it will be with me forever because I gave her that and she gave me a smile, the little and important things you can't buy.

Over the past 10 months it's taken a lot for me to change who I am, to change some fundamental beliefs I could never believe possible for myself, one of those beliefs is that I want more from life and that I deserve more from life but it won't hand itself to me, it takes the support of those closest to me to bring me into the light, so those are the steps I take in 2014, with still 7 months to go I don't know where I'll end up but I know I'm on the right path.

Even though there has been tragedy and hardship, for the first time in my life I can see the possibility of happiness, in 28 years I honestly don't remember when that thought has ever occurred to me and that is sad because everyone deserves happiness. I always thought everyone but me deserved that, funny how things turn out and we come to realise things far too late.

For now though, things are looking up and hopefully continue the way they are going :)

Bonus Content - Not everyone gets to read this part.

July 27th 2014 will be the one year anniversary of my mother's passing. I am pretty sure that will be a crappy day and for the most part I'll want to be alone but I may still be on holiday with my friends then, they'll take my mind off of it for sure if that is the case.

One year logically speaking should be of no consequence given everything that has happened, however it is a milestone that I have been without her for 365 days so two questions arise: 1. How did I survive that long without her? and 2. Why did I get back up again?

I'll answer them in the same way as I have everything else, 1. Because I had to and 2. Because somebody needed me too.

The only difference is that this time I made the choices myself to willingly get up and do something differently. It's easy to fall into the same rut and as that 365th day comes closer I have on occasion found myself wanting to fall back into that same place for familiarity, but I know where that void goes and I won't fall for that again because I've actually got things to look forward to now :)

Hopefully I'll update more going forward now.

Regards, G