June 4th - Threading the Eye in 2021 entries

Pain. There’s physical, emotional, mental; everyones endured it at one point or another. It’s not a point of self pity or a brag but I have been through my fair share of pain. We’re going to talk physical as the most current issue for me is having to had closed one eye to type this whole entry.

I went through treatment for testicular cancer. My groin has been ravaged by infection and I have had to had it reconstructed. I’ve been poked prodded and stabbed for the better part of ten years. My waist hurts all the time - think about burning the tip of your finger by holding on to a lighter tip too long - now take that pain and think about it all over your thighs, waist, groin - the only time I don’t notice it is when I’m either drunk or body high on edibles.

I had an infected, impacted molar a few years ago and it hospitalized me, I almost died of sepsis and I am missing half of my teeth on the left side of my face, along with a part of my jaw. I know.its not very noticeable but I can feel my face sag from the lack of anything being in my mouth. The issue is also seen in some pictures I take - my eye doesn’t stay open when I smile in pictures.

Cut to the current issue - my left eye. I started having vision issues earlier this year after my last attempt at death via vehicle accident. It started out as blotchy vision - think when you can see an eye floater for a little bit - but it was whole areas of things I couldn’t see. I thought it was accident - and alcohol withdrawal - related as it started to get better and my vision was back, with some glasses use, by March. It’s gotten to the point lately though that I can’t see different colors; on a camping trip with my girlfriend, I woke up one morning and I couldn’t tell her white car was parked in the clearing of the campsite and by the end of the night. I was in the hospital with no vision out of that eye at all. I can’t see lettering on a white phone screen sometimes. So I’ve been getting it checked out, among taking care of my legal, personal and work issues. but it doesn’t seem to get any better than being able to see shapes.

They injected something into the back of my eye, and with that came a massive amount of pressure in my head and massive aching in my head and face. I have not been able to see straight or well out of my good eye all day. Not sure if its just because of the new pain but I can feel the ache of my old injuries and missing parts that much more today/tonight and I have to be honest here…the battle of life or death is starting to get very exhausting to me.

I just am in so much pain. all the time. I don’t remember what its like to not feel miserable, achy, stiff. Each day with recovery and sobriety I would say, ‘why am I getting out of bed today?’ and definitely lately it has been “if you don’t get up, youre going to quit.”

Here I am, typing with one eye open, sitting up. thinking about the pain.