The Twitter Rant I Wanted vs. Sober Rumbling in 2021 entries

I used to get black out drunk and go on long hot twitter rampages. I’d also write books of texts and garbled insults and think that was an okay way to end a night of drinking. After I was just broken up with, I sat there for the weekend, knowing it was coming and that she was just looking for encouragement - a reason to justify her leaving - so I did my best to hold off.

Instead I wrote everything I wanted to unleash on a note page and added to it for the three days it took her to love me and leave me.

It was cathartic. Made me feel just a little bit better about the situation coming.

She always commented about how I was too open with people and that I would put too much out on social media, but for me it went from a form of ‘look at me I think I am funny’ to being accountable for actions (drunken, shitty or good) and having people know that a) im struggling and b) it was a way to ask for help.

the break up is fresh and the rage is still there; I just typed until I was tired of thinking about her and it actually is the best ive slept in a week. Theres so much more to say but I think I’ll save it and use it for moving on.

She made me think all of my problems were the reasons that I wasn’t good enough, that being under the influence and then causing scenes and screaming at her were terms of breaking up with her. It ate at me for years after I did it, yet with all my problems, I moved on - I worked on changing my behavior and getting healthy - only for her to come back when it seemed like I was better and use me for another emotional fix, especially when her rampant drinking and drug use weren’t doing it for her. But it was always my fault. The blame and shame was always supposed to be on me - she always chirped about how I need to apologize and that just because I did didn’t mean it was acceptable and that she needed to put herself first and it wasn’t “always about you” but when push came to shove, she couldn’t be honest enough to admit her problems, talk about them like an adult (mental illness aside she’s claimed to be medicated and then goes off and self medicates) and ultimately, I should have realized she had made zero attempt to make any changes over the last few years and I was just getting emotionally abused from a standpoint of ‘well you did this to me so I can do this to you.’

That would have been a book of a tweet, for sure.

She got mad at me for saying ‘yeah right’ to an “I love you” and that seemed to be the breaking point and its easier to see now that she got so mad because it was a lie and I finally stopped believing it

You don’t tell someone you love them and then decide that supporting them is a burden and that they are too much in your life - you never were intending to make it work and bounced when it got too stressful.

You don’t tell someone you need them in your life and that you can’t afford to lose them again and then make a feeble, weak attempt to ‘be friends’

Crystals are bullshit. Astrology is bullshit. Doesn’t mean you can’t believe in bullshit, but using it to defend your actions or pretend that it will predict the future is childish, immature, and unrealistic and you’ll be gravely disappointed with your life.

I knew you when you were 23, I knew you when you were 26, and if anything, you regressed in maturity and I was dumb enough to ignore it, because I still loved you. ‘Ouchie’ and ‘Hurted’ should have been clear enough signs.

you made me feel like my dependency issues were the reason why we didn’t work and then didn’t understand why telling you I’m sober because of you was important and deemed that it meant I was burdening you with it and that you were the reason I would start drinking again

the killer was being told I was being manipulative when I would get texts like “baby I just wish I could take your pain away” and then not want to be there when I was struggling, lashing out.

I tried to push her away when my legal issues got complicated, she got rightfully pissed and told me not to do that - that was two weeks ago - and then runs away.

After being around her sober for a couple weeks because she had her tonsils taken out, she decides to get stoned every single day on a camping trip - morning and night - expected me to carry conversation and stay up with her until 2am after I didn’t sleep the night before from stress - and then wonders why it doesn’t seem like I’m having a good time.

When you rip a bowl to go to bed at 2am and wake up at 6am only to keep doing it, are you actually okay and why am I supposed to think that I am enjoyable when you can’t speak

you make smores shitty and stupid. no one enjoys burning the marshmallow first and then maybe having a half gooey middle with a black crust. might as well eat dirt at that point.

A real adult in a two way relationship would maybe also see their dependency and drug issues and say “im not being healthy and that might affect you but I don’t care” but then leave them.

Getting high, popping pills, molly, its one thing when youre having fun. I was honest when I’d tell her I don’t care. You were always doing it to alter your mood so you didn’t have to deal with life, and after being medicated for mood disorders. That’s a problem.

I was stupid for thinking that this all changed - that you grew up - and yet I came down to your level and I regret that. I was more blinded by my actual love for you and getting another chance to prove that I am a good person, something I realize now I should have never had to prove to you if it was going to work.

You have a drinking problem. You have a drug problem. The sooner you open up to people that care about you about that, the easier help is going to be to get.

I should have ended it before it started - she would come to the bar while I closed in February, March, sit there, and pound four Jameson and diet cokes and sometimes wouldn’t remember driving me home. but it was a shitty thing to put my sobriety on her.

Thank god you got your tonsils out because you snored like a grandpa and I assume anyone that wasn’t black out drunk or as stoned as you never got any sleep.

I love you and I clearly always will because I obsessed over you for years but I will not be your friend. Hopefully you decide that you want to finally attempt a mature relationship and struggle through the thick and thin, but if its not with me I really don’t want to know about it, and that should seem fair.

I copied a text I got on May 4th - less than a month ago - in which we have the direct quote; ‘I know things wont always be easy but I want to do them with you forever. I feel so much love when you look at me and touch me and hold me and I don’t ever want to lose that feeling again.’
Four weeks later;
“I don’t want to lose you again”
The next day - poof

I paid for every single tank of gas she needed while we were together and close to 90% of the meals. Theres gotta be another girl like that that’s willing to use me for fake love, right. it doesn’t always have to be mcdonalds either.

This time it hurt and it couldn’t be blamed on me and now I think I can easily wipe you out of my life compared to the last three years thinking that I was terrible yet deserved another shot.