Thoughts and nothing. in The Wanderer

I realize I have a lot of desires to be wild, but no avenue to pursue. I suppose that is a good thing. There is always something that holds me back. Mainly, it is the inability to get anywhere knowing perfectly well the destination will be a bar and drinking and driving is never going to happen. If I am lucky enough to have a night off of work, I am looking for an adventure. I hate being walled in at night. My mind never shuts up and the adrenaline inside of me is on fire. I'm lucky if I can talk myself out of doing anything crazy. I try to pick up a book. I try to write (which is why I am writing right now), I can't seem to be okay with a dull night, even though it is the best thing for me at the point. It is like an itch to escape. I hate being alone with my thoughts. The only people that hit me up are people I just do not want to see. I know what I want, and trying to get it is the fun part. But other guys are okay when I know I need to distract myself. Really, I am trying to focus this reckless energy onto something positive, which is why I applied to Chaffey in the fall for auto mechanic classes. I need to learn something new and useful. I also want to apply to Mt. Sac for their horticulture program. Learn to farm. Raise livestock. Grow my own food. Unfortunately, I was accepted as a non-resident. AGH. I am going to work on getting that fixed. I need to be completely worn out at night, with not an ounce of energy left to go out and be wild. I should have just opted to switch shifts and close tonight. Then again, I have to be back early tomorrow for another long day. At least he will be there. I tried to avoid him when I saw him come in this evening. I didn't want it to be awkward, I mean what could his roommate have said to him about me? What was he thinking when he saw me passed out on that couch in the living room? I guess I will never know. He ended up cornering me in a way and started small talk. I made no mention of the night with his roommate. He didn't either. He seemed eager to chat, and there was no awkwardness in the slightest. There is still that lingering tension though...what will come? Oh me and my stupid silly games. Hah. Then B walked in and his face was swollen and bruised. I found out he was in some terrible accident, the poor dude. He's still so charming even with his face all messed up.

And then J. Agh. The stupid conversation we got into last night was ridiculous. He said he wanted me to NOT mention the fact that I will be going to Washington on FB and told me it was odd that I felt the need to announce things on my wall. Um? I'm sorry, but that is what FB is and I am an active user so....yeah. It was so weird. He went on and on about how our sexathon was supposed to be a secret and that was the fun part and he thought we were on the same page......and I just kept thinking...how is me posting about WA exposing our plans? He said it was "obvious". Whatever. I told him I will be announcing whatever the fuck I want and if he didn't like it then he didn't have to be down. And that of course turned into the fact that he is still most definitely down and I should be purchasing my plane ticket very soon. Silly boy. Oh the plans we have..........I cannot wait.