I have been using Open Diary since I was 15, and it looks like old habits die hard. Even though I am not a frequent user anymore, sometimes I just feel the need to write this out into the ether.
Some days are frustrating. I have to admit to myself that this pandemic has gotten to me more than I would like to admit. 2020 was a crazy year. I got married, became a step dad to two wonderful girls, had a son, lost my job, started a new career, drank too much, gained weight, battled crippling depression, lived with my mother in law for a few months (she was supposed to help with the baby, but ended up making our lives a living hell) and I’ve done the whole thing without offloading my problems to anyone or feeling sorry for myself…or quitting for even a moment.
Sometimes I feel like I’m terrible at my job…but I’ve had two bonuses since March. And my boss told me I’m killing it.
I have stress dreams about work. I’m either missing work, or I’m back in school and wondering why I’m not at work, or I’m waiting tables and wondering why the fuck I’m waiting tables when I have a software job I should be at.
Sometimes I just have dreams where I’m protecting my son from all sorts of things.
I don’t sleep well.
I drink too much.
I’m maybe a little grumpy sometimes.
So my wife realized that I am burned the fuck out, and acknowledged how stressful it must be for me (she lost her job in the beginning of the pandemic and hasn’t since been able to resume it fully…she is a hair stylist and does home cuts sometimes, but it’s barely enough to pay her car payment and insurance…so I pay all the rent and hold the household down…and rent for a three bedroom apartment in Southern California is fucking ridiculous)
Anyway…I’m going to take a little break next weekend (after mother’s day weekend of course) on my wife’s request.
I bought a bunch of mushrooms and some MDMA, and I’m going to flower flip and try to reset my brain. Afterwards I’m going to micro-dose the leftover mushrooms for a week at a time, slowly killing this drinking habit I’ve acquired.
And it’s not like I drink a crazy amount…but I drink too much, for sure.
Like three pints of 9% beer a night.
This reset is much needed and I hope I can take full advantage of it.
Other than that, life is going great. I love my family, and I really love my job even though I have these stress dreams about it.
And I love San Diego.
Thanks again for listening.
I love you tons.
I hope you know that you are an amazing person and you make the world a better place by simply existing.
I hope you remember that and it makes you smile sometimes.