Okay.
I need to say this. And I'm pissing myself off, so just know that.
I enrolled Chelsea in kindergarten this past week. Yes, the same girl who back in January was really "not ready" to go (according to many of her therapists). The girl who maxed out the readiness test and whose IQ is higher than mine (and Jon's).
That girl.
And I almost cried. I mean, I had to physically stop myself from crying.
I am scared for her. No, I'm FRIGHTENED for her.
Can she manage? She will have less support than she has now. Will she be picked on, ostracized, excluded? (She is now - in fucking PRESCHOOL). Can this work? If it can't...can I pull her out?
I have friends...and they all say, "Awww. You just can't handle your baby going to kindergarten. She's your first one...you're just an emo mama."
OMFG.
AM I TURNING INTO "THAT" MOM?
I will throw up, beat my head against the nearest wall, and slit my own wrists. That can't be it. I don't feel "like" that. I don't feel this "oh my sweet baby, my first little girl....aww...if she's in kindergarten then I am getting old and I can't bear to let her go."
I swear it's not that.
I SWEAR.
But I am so afraid for her. What if she can't manage? What if I can't be an effective advocate for her in school? I have "spies" in her current preschool. I won't know what's happening. I have to release some control and trust people (the school) that I don't trust. I want to trust them, but I don't. If they fuck with her....I will have a conniption. Don't fuck up my kid.
sigh
I am not honestly handling this well and I am shocked at my reaction. She is academically BEYOND ready to go. She's so beyond it. But socially...emotionally...she's not there and she needs to be. And she isn't. How will I bear to strap that backpack on her back in a few months and walk her across the street?
sigh
How can I protect her there? How can I ensure that she has what she needs; that they will handle the meltdowns and anxiety appropriately and she'll be OKAY? Can she be okay there?
She's enrolled. So...she's going. Somehow, I have to manage to accept that.
Except I fear I'll be one of those teary eyed idiots (sorry, I can say that....it's my space; and it's a gross generalization again anyway. So there.). I'LL be the idiot sniffling as she walks away. I want to completely disown myself if that happens.
I wonder if parents of typical kids feel the same kind of gut-gripping fear that I do as I think about her entrance into kindergarten?
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