The Feels in Eye of a Hurricane

I’ve been put on a new medication. It’s supposed to help with anxiety but not like a benzo or anything. But since I just started it on Monday, I’ve been wondering how best to balance the information that I have been getting based on the doors that keep opening.
I’m trying my best to describe it as a lot has happened since I last opened this to have a write about all these things.
I broke up with my one partner and now just dating the other. I’m not sure about all this, as I feel that it’s moving a little too fast. We’re talking about moving to the West coast together if he gets this job he’s been gunning for out there, and we’ve already said ILY to each other – and we’ve only been dating for 4 months. I’m going, this is supposed to be ridiculous. This is lunacy. I haven’t done anything this reckless in some time. How do I not know that you’re just going to manipulate me down the road? I don’t go for good people. I don’t want those that would be good to me. I go for the ones that are never do wells, the low lifes, the dead beats. The fringe people. The weirdos. I want to believe that he will be this, but it’s not in my nature to proceed with good people.
My latest ex is the most shining example. She is a master manipulator who would purposefully misinterpret words and make up a completely other reality to suit her own whims. This became apparent when she found out that I was having intimate relations with this new partner. And we hadn’t engaged in sexual activity for a long, long time at this point. She flies off the handle and gets herself committed to the psychiatric ward at a nearby hospital. Then proceeds to say that I never cared about her, that she was unimportant to me because I didn’t take her phone call when I was in the middle of something at the local DMV. I told her straight up in no uncertain terms that her assessment was unfair and incorrect. But then proceeds to throw another person she had been seeing in my face in a retaliatory fashion that they were now dating. Of course all I see is that she’s trying to hurt me. That’s what inspired me to move out and break it off with her. It wasn’t that she had dated someone else: it was that she is a collector of people and doesn’t really care for them anymore than a decoration in a room. People = things in her eyes, things to be collected to console her in her own world. They have no feelings, thoughts, or emotions of their own. Their sole purpose is to live to please her.
I would have none of that. I was not going to give into this delusion that somehow she was the victim and I the villain. I knew that’s how I was going to be painted no matter what I said, so in no uncertain terms, that’s exactly the message I delivered. I am so goddamn tired of trying to meet people’s standards when all they will think of me is a goddamn pet, animal, or collector’s item. I am doing all this goddamn work and for what? For this person to throw it back in my face as if I have done nothing this whole time?? I won’t fucking stand for it. The saga is terribly long and to reiterate it would take more than just the brief few minutes I have to write this out.
I guess Overall, these past two months have been nothing but chaos, and my current partner has helped me through with all of it. He helped me move out, he gave me some place to go when I wouldn’t go home because she would only rip into me.... He has done so much for me.
But then that gets me started on why. What’s the angle here? Are you just as if not more manipulative than she is? Are you going to try to gaslight me into believing that I am truly crazy here? Are you trying to sequester me to yourself and then get going on the abuse train once you finally have me? It’s this cycle that I’m on, and I know it’s one of sheer codependence, where I keep getting into bad relationships because of my lack of self esteem and confidence in myself. I’m working on standing up for myself more often, telling people when they’re wrong or incorrect, or even if something is unfactual. I still have moments where I quiver to say anything, and I hate that about myself about things I should speak up about, but… I can only do so much. After 3 years of therapy, I am slowly getting there. It’s not happening fast enough to make sure I don’t end up in one more bad relationship, and you would think by now I would be able to recognize the signs.
God, now I feel like I’m just being willfully blind.
We trade insults back and forth, but I don’t consider that abusive? Is that because of my upbringing to disregard those types of “abuses” despite their being otherwise? My own mother gaslighted me into believing that the emotional abuse that my brother was doing was only “sibling rivalry” and he didn’t mean anything by his words. And I am trying to help her through this divorce with my father, who has since disappeared off the face of the earth. I haven’t heard from him in 2 months.... I’m wondering if he fell into a Q hole… and if he’s coming back.