I Feel Conflicted in Firestone

My thoughts are taking control of me and I feel like I am literally fighting to get back to myself.
And I don’t understand why I am fighting with myself.
I know it is because our fight hasn’t been resolved, there’s no reassurance, there’s not even any text messages from your end. You texted me twice from this morning and none of them said anything about last night except for the fact that you are in a funk.
I want my boyfriend back..
But you know what? I want myself back. The one who I worked my ass off to gain confidence, assurance and super woman for. The one who knows her worth and doesn’t allow others to make her feel like she’s worth any less.
And then my thoughts come into play and make me think that there’s a few more options to consider..
I literally packed myself some clothes. So I can go to the gym and let out some more frustration before coming home.
I could go to my park.. If I go there, literally no one knows where I go, so I’d be in complete solidarity.
But then I worry about what would happen when I come home super late.
And then there’s the other part of my anxiety that literally just wants to get hit by a car.. Wishing that something would happen to me, and maybe THEN people would care about my existence, my purpose, my presence, my words, my feelings, my heart.

Why does my head do this to me?
Why does my own mind look for ways to self-sabotage myself?
Why can’t you love me enough NOW. Νοt whenever you figure out whatever it is that you are trying to figure out.