Am I Worthless? in Just Moments

~That's how I feel. Worthless...

~So recently M wanted me to do something with him that I would never be ok with doing. He just assumed that I would be ok with it and I'm not and now even though I'm still upset with him, he isn't talking to me. And the funny thing is that he never even knew that I was angry with him. And now I'm the one who feels even more worthless than before. I don't get why I feel this way. I shouldn't. If I would have agreed to what M wanted to do, I would have felt worse, filthy actually is probably the best way to put it. My heart just feels so broken and it shouldn't. I have no idea why I feel this way. I mean sure M meant a lot to me. He was my closest friend, but this isn't the first time he has done this to me, especially when I had nothing to do with it. I'm angry and hurt and I just want to scream and punch someone, mainly him. Which is weird because I'm not that violent usually. I don't like violent things but that's what I want to do is hurt him. And maybe I just want him to feel the pain that he has put me through but physically instead of emotionally because at least physical pain takes less time to go away...

~In other news I got into another fight with my boss. We don't usually fight but when we do its not good. And we really didn't fight long, because I just didn't have it in me to continue the fight, but I'm worried about it because my review is coming up in the next week or so and this could really impact my raise. Which sucks. It wasn't like I thought I would get much in a raise anyways but my chances of a decent one now seem lost.

~That's how I feel right now is lost. Lost in these words, lost in my thoughts. Just lost. For a while I felt like I belonged somewhere but now, I just don't. I've been thinking about moving. To where I have no idea. But just getting away. Starting over where no one knows my name. Where no one knows how much I've been hurt. Where no one knows my scars. I want to, but I know that the chances of me finding a job would be hard seeing as I have little experience as I'm still new to the workforce and that means that I'm pretty much stuck for the next two years for sure unless I get fired or something. I really don't foresee that happening because it would cost a lot more to replace me than to just put up with me. I am pretty good at what I do and training a new person would just take valuable time.

~But anyways... I think I just need to find somewhere else that I could belong. I just don't know where that is. I need a change, but I don't know what to change. Stuck in this rut that is just getting deeper and deeper... With continual tears that make the ground wet and soggy sinking me deeper and deeper into the unknown.

~I know that life isn't fair, but gosh my life has not been easy by any means. I haven been blessed in some areas that's for sure, but in the others nothing seems to go my way for long. Sometimes I just wish for one week for everything to fall into place, just so I know what it feels like to feel good, loved, like the world is perfect. What a concept. Perfect,,, nothing is perfect in my life.

~I keep trying to distract myself but that only goes so far before I just start crying again and wishing for things to end. Its days like today where I'm really sad I didn't end it when I had the chance when I was younger. I was seconds away from getting life over with. Seconds... and I stopped. I remember why I stopped, mainly it was curiosity at the time, but I thought back then that I had someone who cared about me. And it is probably true that he did care about me, just not in the way I wanted him too... But that didn't matter at the time, all I wanted was someone who cared... And the second time I really contemplated it, there was also someone there. He did care about me in that way, we just didn't work out. But I have no one now. I mean I have friends who care about me, I have my family, but I don't have that one person who I would stop for. But in the end I know I won't go through with it no matter how much I may want to. I'm too strong for that even if I don't feel that strong in this current moment.

~For you reading this please give me some hope to hold on... I could really use the support right now...