I am an idiot. Yes, I’ve heard back from The Bulldog, but it has been in fits and starts. In a matter of a couple of weeks, we’ve gone like this:
Texts --> Innuendo Texts --> Sexts --> Nice Get-To-Know-You Texts --> Super Nice Phone Calls --> Meetings/Semi-Dates --> Phone Calls --> Texts
We’re allllll the way back down to texts. They are now few and far between. I was really beginning to get excited and that funny, squishy, butterfly feeling for this guy and now…fizzle. I guess that was all it was meant to be. Perhaps that’s what was lined up for me and it helped take my mind off of other things for a while. Whatever it was, I don’t like where it is now and who knows…
Last night, I had the biggest cry of this whole breakup. I don’t know if I’d been waiting for this or holding it back or what, but I had one of those sobbing, heaving, fist and gut-clenching cries. It was cleansing, but I don’t think it’s over yet. There’s still more in there, but I was actually kind of relieved that I got that out. I was literally on the floor, bawling. I miss so many things. I am so angry that he fucked our relationship up. I am so, so disappointed.
I know I can’t keep looking back. The only hope that I have is that this is propelling me forward. I really hope that this is the case. I know it’s not going to happen automatically, and I thought that I was taking good steps. I know that I’ll go back and forth, but I really have to keep the looking back at a minimal.
The looking back is for learning. I know I’m attracted to a certain type of person with certain personality traits. I have a weird comfort level with behaviors that aren’t necessarily right for me. What is it that I’m trying to resolve? What is it that I keep going back to find, change, fix?
A few things that I know I tend to be:
The “good” one – agreeable, pliable, helpful, non-confrontational, easy-going
Independent – don’t need help doing things, extremely self-sufficient (I don’t need a man…but I really want one)
Calm Exterior – not extremely emotional on the outside, but I’m really a ball of nerves – just don’t show it
Fierce in my loyalty – when I love you, I love you strong and hard and with every fiber of my being. I won’t let go, no matter how bad it gets.
What does all this mean? Let me think about that.
Maybe I love to a fault. Maybe I want to try to bring out the “good” in the midst of all this “bad”. I know that I’ve thought this about every one of my loves: I have always wanted to be the ONE AND ONLY…the only person in the world who can show this poor, broken, hurt soul how love can really be. I have always wanted to save my loves, show my loves that THIS is what love means…THIS is what loyalty means. THIS is how it’s supposed to be.
But really, I’m no savior. I can’t. I am not the one to do this. Who am I to try to rescue all of the strays, the sick, the wounded, the lost, the abused? Yes, we all have baggage. But I’m not strong enough to carry yours and my own. Why do I even attempt? Here, let me hold that for you…let me nurse the old wounds from your past. Let me take your shit and turn it into sunshine! Gladly!
Fuck that. No more. Carry your own shit, assholes.
With love,
GS
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