Structure vs. Shifting in The First Life

This weekend felt so textbook suburban lifestyle. What is this regular life I have begun to engage in? It barely feels real.

I've got 10 minutes until reality sets in again. The work week. Back in Ohio...Nowhere feels much like home now..But that's how I've been for years. Ever since a life changing November incident..I've had these fast flipping wings that keep me just above the settled ground. Spent Sunday morning on my own. Jarrod went to practice and I did the house stuff. Grocery shopped. Grown up things. Spent the rest of the morning in his front yard pulling weeds. Completely out of character for me..But it felt good. I was relaxed.
Everyone was out in his neighborhood. They'd drive by and stare at the unfamiliar face that was mine. It all feels so structured and simple. Mealtimes. Waking on a normal schedule. Locking the house. Taking your shoes off at the door. 15 minute naps. And then I come back to chaos. Where keys get lost in the clutter. .. time gets hidden on dusty clocks. I've always lived with a sense of chaos and restlessness. But maybe I don't need it. Derby is all the chaos I need. Maybe I thrive in a structured environment where I don't lose my thoughts and peace of mind in the cluttered lifestyle. Maybe that's what makes me feel he is a balance for me. Looking back I realize where my heart lends it's softest parts. In all these places and to all these people that are the definition of restless..Last minute plan call offs, emotional springing with seasons that have no rhyme, delicate but heavy dreams that change and transform but are never felt..People that are edgy..unpaced...Unreliable..second guessing. I've always been a part of the things that are never for sure..that can never be taken for granted because they never do stay... But this...this..this is none of those things. He goes and takes it all without skipping a beat...and it has kept me steady. I've spent a lot of time trying to put right from wrong when it comes to how I feel..how I should feel. The things I should have let go. I wish I could explain the state I'm in. The constant wonder of where I'm going. He puts that all on pause.. Its like I want to fully involve myself in all the things that are this structured life..but all the same..there's this fire that never dies inside me, that always wants more..wants to feel pushed...wants what is unbalanced and tricky.

I woke to a storm this morning. In his bed. The thunder clashed and banged and the lighting cloaked the room in an electric white. The first thing I thought was of course something I should not have. When do old habits become more than just habitual things? ,