My kids are doing good. Life is...well, that's not what this is about.
This is about when I get sad.
I get sad when I ask my son if his diaper is wet or dry and he says yes but means no. Because I honestly don't think he knows. Would YOU know if the first three years of your life were spent in a shitty and/or wet diaper? He really doesn't know. He's nowhere near potty trained and 4 1/2 year olds are expected to be potty trained by now. He is excluded from activities because of this.
I get sad when I hear him try to talk; when people cannot understand him. While on vacation, people asked him his name. He says "Jah-uh" and no one can decipher that he's saying Joshua. It makes me sad; he is trying but his progress in articulation is slow. I don't feel like I have the right resources in place for him in speech but I am so limited in what I can do because there is no insurance coverage for speech therapy.
I get sad when I think of Chelsea's birthday. We cannot sing to her or let her blow out candles on her birthday because she cries. Screams, is more like it. She just cannot tolerate that song...we don't know why, and all of the therapy under the sun (practice, etc) has not made a difference.
I get sad when I see Chelsea doing some of the things she should have done a year or two ago. I get sad when I see how high her IQ is but how she can't show those skills to others because she so rarely demonstrates her academic abilities in school.
I get sad when I think about being 40; about how we will discard the remaining fair-quality frozen embryos this year I think. I feel badly because I feel like I broke my promise to honor those lives. I feel sad because I truly, honestly, 100% never want to be pregnant again. It was too scary, too unsettling, I got too sick and it was the most responsibility I've ever felt in my life. I have never been more scared for so long. Even when Chelsea was in the NICU, I was relieved; her live was being sustained by others and not me - if something happened, it wasn't only "my" fault.
I get sad when I think of the two six-year-old sons I should have living with me, but don't. I miss them. I have not stopped missing them, because that doesn't just stop. I hate that it happened and I hate that they are gone. Nothing in my life will ever, ever, EVER change that. I only pray that there truly is an afterlife and I really will see them again someday. I want to believe that.
I get sad when I think of Kally,the 11 year old girl we are adopting. I get sad that she is in an orphanage and has been for 11 years of her life. How messed up is THAT?? Not even a foster family - a freakin orphanage? It sucks.
I get sad when I think of my graduate degree. Have I mentioned how much I hate my school? I dropped a class this semester when I got really sick. There have been a lot of issues with my college. I really actually don't like it at all. But it's the cheapest tuition I could get my hands on. I don't even know if I want to finish.
I get sad when I think that Joshua isn't being educated with non-disabled peers. I hate that. He deserves better. I am trying to get it "better" for him. But the process is slow.
I love my kids. I am proud of my kids. But that doesn't mean there aren't things that make me sad about them sometimes.
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