Leaving Edinburgh in All Good Things

This week in Scotland has been the highlight of my year so far. It's been absolutely incredible. I could hardly have asked for more.

It started in London with me going in to the office of the company I've worked for for the majority of the past 12 years to tell them I've officially quit. It was actually really emotional, and I got a lot of support from people there who I'd forgotten were such good friends. It meant a lot. The woman in charge, while very disappointed to hear they were losing my services, told me to come back when I returned from Scotland because there were a variety of options of other things I could do for them if I was interested that wouldn't be nearly as physically demanding, many of which I could do from home. So seeing as I've run out of money after not working for six months, I think I'm going to go and have a chat with her and see what they can offer me. I wouldn't earn nearly as much as I used to, but that's okay. I'll be a hell of a lot happier, especially if I can combine earning money with wandering around the world in the way I seem fated to, despite my best intentions.

Right now I'm on the train gliding along the cliff tops of southern Scotland, looking down at the misty North Sea fading into the sky in the distance. I'm listening to the beautiful music of Michael Hoppe, which is disconcerting because the last time I listened to it I was in Africa and the sound evokes memories of the humid jungles of mountainous Malawi and the dusty endless plains of the Serengeti beneath the slopes of Kilimanjaro. It's hard to put them together in my head, to realise that this has been my year so far, along with soaring Tchaikovsky and Arabian deserts. This, all, while I'm suffering from intense agoraphobia. Wtf?

I spent most of my days this week exploring the volcanic cliffs and hills of Holyrood Park. It's hard to believe it's in central Edinburgh, completely surrounded by the city, because once you're inside, it feels like you're in the wilds of the Highlands. I've wanted to explore it for years, ever since my first job in Edinburgh back in about 2009 when I first discovered the park, but we always worked such long hours and then had to stay in hotels so far on the other side of the city that I never had the opportunity. So I completely made up for it this week, and it was so much better than I'd ever anticipated.

Everything this week was so much better than I'd anticipated. I think I have a crush on Simon. Not a serious one, obviously, but the kind when you just love being with someone so much that your entire body sings whenever you're in their presence. I still love being with Jon as well, and being with both of them together is just....heaven. And I had so much of that this week. There's something about their energy that I crave at the moment. Jon is life and excitement and inspiration, while Simon is peace and strength and steadfastness. The combination is perfection. Perfect completion.

I'm really excited about this coming week as well. We'll all be in London, and I'll get to hang out with Annette twice, and introduce my mom to Simon (she knows Jon but hasn't yet met Simon - just heard me rave about him for months). Will is going to be with us on Saturday, which will be interesting. He knows them both, and really likes Jon.

We haven't had the 'talk' yet. As I expected, he played it like nothing had happened...other than being unusually nice to me. Yeah. Bit late for that now. I'm sad, obviously, that things have reached the stage they have and that I know now for certain that there's no future for our relationship, because I really do love him, but the happiness I've felt since making the final decision has proved to me that it's the right one to make. We'll probably still be together for a while, but as far as I'm concerned it's now just as friends and no more than that. My emotions are no longer invested in him. I gave him everything for five years and what I got back has most certainly not been worth it. I'm glad to have known him and appreciative of much of what I've learned and experienced, but I need more in my life. I deserve more.

I deserve to be with someone who makes me more, rather than less.