"Minimally Invasive" in These Foolish Things

Don’t believe the hype.

When they tell you something is “minimally invasive” and it has to do with taking out a huge chunk of your body, trust me. It’s MAXIMALLY invasive.

I almost can’t believe I was released from the hospital the next day. I mean, my own docs told me it’d probably be Thursday before I was discharged, but I have been home now since Tuesday and while I’m feeling good and alive, I am also feeling very, VERY sliced open.

Yesterday I had some major scares. It’s going to get a bit TMI here for a minute, so look away if you’re squeamish, or read on if you want some hilarity.

I took some of the tramadol the day before yesterday. I’d asked for the weakest painkillers they could give me as the strong stuff makes me barf. But even tramadol is an opioid, which makes you constipated and I’m supposed to be “going”, right? So I got scared that maybe I blocked myself up with the stuff and I couldn’t get anything out!

Like, I felt all this gas rumbling and rumbling in my lower belly, but it wouldn’t come out! Did I trap it with the tramadol? Is there now a blockage? Did something close up inside of me? I definitely couldn’t bring myself to poop! And I didn’t want to push because I thought I’d break apart where they put me back together!

Anyway, after I calmed down and settled down I was able to get some of that trapped gas out and even later was able to get some liquid-y stuff out (I know this is gross, but it’s literally what I’m living for right now), and felt like I was moving forward again. Whew.

Also, remember that my sweet 82-year-old dad had been staying with me, and telling your sweet old dad about your issues is surreal. But, it was what it was and he handled it like a champ.

But wait. There’s more TMI, and this is where it gets wild!

I decided I finally needed to take a shower because, duh. Plus, my friend JK was on her way from the Great Midwest - flying in to relieve my dad of his duties. I really needed to at least smell like a human being, even if I didn’t really look like one.

So I got in the shower and was carefully washing my face and arms and around to the back and I felt something odd inside my butt cheeks, so I kind of reached in and pulled at whatever it was. I didn’t need to pull too hard, but it kept kind of pulling out of my butt…and it turned out to be a string of some sort!

Y’all. When I tell you I pulled a string out of my butt… I mean it was like a 5-6” string that was kind of like dental floss! I literally thought I was pulling out internal sutures that had come undone! I FREAKED OUT! Did I pull out my intestinal sutures?! What the HELL was that?!

I got out of the shower and called the doctor’s office immediately, and they were like, OK. We don’t yet have your surgery report, so we’re not sure what that could have been, but let us text your surgeon and call you back.

Finally got a call-back about 20 minutes later saying, “The surgeon doesn’t know what that could have been, but you are going to be OK.”

Like, what?

So that’s the latest mystery. I mean, I’m still here to tell the story, but I have no idea what I pulled out of my body and if it did me any harm. It doesn’t seem to have done harm. I’m still living and breathing and seem to have all the functions, but WTF?

I’d say the two things that hurt the most right now are laughing and coughing, and I actually did a lot of that last night when JK and I were reminiscing about long-ago times and I had a laughing fit (which included snorts, so you know they were big laughs) which started a coughing fit which in turn made me need to just settle down and go to bed.

I’m so glad JK is here. She is taking good care of me. My apartment is trashed and looks like a tornado hit it because she is sleeping on the floor and there are snacks and flowers and just amazing things everywhere. The only thing we don’t have yet is my dog, Martini, and we’re going to try to go get her this weekend so we can go on walks and start doing normal things again.

And it’s funny, she is like, are you OK if I open this bottle of wine and drink? And I’m like, it sure is because this gabapentin makes me feel pretty drunk all day anyway. What a trip this is.

So here we wait for the pathology to see if we got all of that Mass in the Ass out of me. They are checking the lymph nodes that were taken out to see how things are looking.

If you’re still reading after all of that, can you please take a second and send whatever your good vibes may be? I know for sure that they work. I know this 100% and I love you for it.

Here’s to the cleanest colon EVER,
GS