On single parenthood in --

I was reflecting on single parenthood earlier today. I’ve been a single parent a couple of different times; this time I’ve been doing it for a little over a year.

I am fortunate in that I have two reasonable co-parents who want to be in the kids’ lives. They’re not demanding. They’re not vindictive. They just want what’s best for them, and we all agree on that. They’re good parents. We just weren’t effective romantic and domestic partners. I also have noticed that they are more effective parents and more domestically inclined without me.

This has been a phenomenon I noticed with other women I’ve seen who found themselves in my position, including my mom. Women rise to the challenges of DIY Life Without a Partner while most men I’ve seen completely flounder. My first ex took the children to his parents’ house for virtually all of his designated weekends at first, and he’d consistently ask me for extra time due to illness, work, or some other thing. My second ex had no idea how to keep his place clean, do laundry consistently, and he’d send our daughter in clothes that were too small or not weather-appropriate. My own father saw me twice a year from the time I was seven and resented paying child support while my mom raised four of us mostly on her own.

Why do men seem to have so much more trouble than women? I’ll tell you.

Despite their good qualities that kept me with them for years, they were subpar communicators (and didn’t really care much to listen to me, receive feedback, or put real effort into the relationship when I begged them to and gave concrete ways to help things), I did most of the emotional, mental, and domestic labor. I did most of the childcare. I worked full time when I was married. I had everything under control. I begged and pleaded for teamwork, but all I got was more resentful.

And this is exactly why men flounder. They aren’t used to putting in the work. They rarely have to. Women do most of the work with very little credit and recognition. Women are more present in the workforce but we make less money, and we still do most of the domestic labor and childcare when we get home than our partners do.

This is why I have been a single parent more than once. It’s not a failure on my part as a woman or a mother. Rather, it’s me holding true to my very high, but reasonable, expectations. Husband/partner is a very important title that isn’t easily bestowed. You gotta earn it, because I’m not working this hard for anything less than what I – we – deserve. I only get one life, and I value that life. I also value my children and I won’t let them see that settling for anything less than healthy in themselves and their partner(s) is acceptable.

I’ve never felt more relieved, relaxed, or content with my life than I have since I signed my lease on my very modest apartment a little over a year ago, even if having three children by myself half the time would seem more difficult. It’s actually been freeing and I would rather do this than chain myself to a man who doesn’t respect me beyond what they think surface level respect is. Having double incomes was nice, but that’s probably the only thing I miss.

I do want a partner eventually. I just refuse to settle. I’m confident the romantic and domestic partner I’m seeking is out there somewhere, but I won’t hold my breath and I’m not putting in all of my free time to find one. My time is precious, I have my own life and things I like/want to do. I’m valuable on my own too.

I hope that every woman who feels trapped knows that she isn’t. You are enough. You are beautiful. You are still sexy even if you’ve given birth. You have value – even if society tells you single women with children aren’t valuable, I argue that we’re the hardest-working, badass women you’ll ever fucking find. We could basically run society on our own, and we’d be damn good at it too.

Last updated February 21, 2021