Which of the standard lines will we use? in The First Life

“You awake? ”
I never am when he sends me that these days. His life seems all the same, just with someone who isn’t me. And there I am, fast asleep on any given night, in different places that are close to home, but the lack of being constant keeps it distant.
I’ll wake in the morning…eariler than his eyes would dare open. I know it’s him before I even open the message. We have always been that way. I’m annoyed at the fact that we still are. I’ll reply. Something short…I go about my day, and there he lingers in the atmosphere..in my car as I drive home. For a moment I’ll see him, sitting passenger..in my old car. Laughing and putting his feet on my dashboard..messing restlessly with anything he can get his hands on. I always go back to a specific moment..on a rainy day, heading out of town, I remember being frustrated..I remember him there. ..but I don’t remember why that scene sits with me. I know whatever the reason is, is good, because I feel my heart warm. Simple pictures flood my mind. Why I haven’t let them go…I am unsure. It’s always been this way. But it needs to change.
We’ll talk between short messages. “How are you?”, “What’s new?”, “How’s derby?” “Hows the music life?”…Shallow things…but caring nontheless. He’s always hungover and I’m always working. He’s always “Great” , “busy”, and realizing the challenges and changes of growing up. I’m usually “Alright”, “Fantastic”, “Keeping busy and motivated”.
He’ll share some news about how he’s happy he gets to make money doing what he loves, and I’ll tell him he deserves it, that I’m happy for him, that he’s great at what he does and I’m proud of him for keeping his dream and growing up. I’ll wonder if he’s as happy as he is saying, then I’ll tell him about derby and he’ll say how blown away he is by who I’ve become, how proud he is of me, and how he “can’t even be mad that his ex is a badass”.
Then we won’t say anything at all. And I think we both think about what we’re supposed to do next. A month or so ago he said maybe we should cut our connection. We hadn’t talked in months at this point. Months we hadn’t communicated..and he brings up cutting each other out. It should have been more obvious to me then, but all I could feel was sadness at the prospect. Though we had no communication. ..he wanted us to stop talking. .Actually. ..he didn’t even want it..he thought it would be a solution to something. I argued that we hadn’t talked in so long, and he contacts me now to say we shouldn’t talk any more..It felt like an empty argument. It wasn’t needed. He can’t stand not knowing how I am. He only needed to confess some things to me. We’re still too close. We’re still trying to lend the distance.

It scares me when I realize that the thought of never talking to him again makes me incredibly sad.

And then I fall into arms that almost feel too open for me. Sometimes I watch him closely and adore all the ways he delicately shows me he cares. Often times I feel he is too good for me. Too golden and blue…Yet all the same..I feel he is who I deserve. He has me unbroken…he has me at the best I’ve ever been…
And I cant help but think maybe that’s what makes it hard.
Because I was broken with someone else and they loved me…But I guess…when I think about it…not enough. That part stings a little.
I curl up in a bed next to someone I grow more and more fond of, but fear it’ll never cut deep enough to weed out old roots. I look at myself with him and see how in just months I’ve grown up too much. But all the change is embraced. Sometimes I just get lost in these trains of thought that attempt to figure out why things are the way they are and what I’m supposed to do.
And then I just look at him. Have faith in him. And smile. Letting it all go. For a time.

Last updated November 05, 2017