So yeah. What’s new?
State of My Grief: I don’t know, you guys. Here’s the latest I’ve been thinking about recently – he’s taking someone else on MY vacation!! Back months ago, SP invited me to go on his company’s “award” trip. It’s a week in the Dominican Republic at one of those golf resort/spa getaway whatevers…and we talked about it for months. Even when it felt a bit like he was having doubts about “us”, we still talked about this trip and how fantastic it was going to be. So now, the trip starts this weekend. It’s the last thing that we’d planned together for the near future (besides our WEDDING, duh…) , and I guess it should be some kind of closure, but I can’t help but think about how he’s taking a substitute! Surely she won’t be as fun as I am, right? There’s no way he’ll have a better time, right? I mean. What the FUCK. Why is this getting to me in such a major way? I can’t wait until the dates are over. Then I should be free and clear of all of the things that I have knowledge of regarding travel or vacations or whatever. THEN it won’t be a potential obsession. The knowing is what gets to me. I will soon have zero knowledge of his whereabouts or his schedule. I hope that will make it better. I hate this.
As for the rest of it, it’s still coming and going in waves. Sometimes I’m floored by how awful it feels. Other times I get the exciting feeling of freedom. Other times I am still numb. My eyes sometimes fill with tears for seemingly no reason at all. And I’ve had a fleeting feeling that everything’s going to be juuuust fine after all. I know that this is simply “going through it”. What else can I do? Nothing.
Work: I finally heard about the position that I’d interviewed for a few weeks ago. It was put on hold. I have mixed feelings about this. One the one hand, it’s a bummer because it’s absolutely the perfect position for me in almost all respects. On the other hand, I know the team I’d be directing. It’s a tough crowd, and I don’t think they would have made it easy for me…and I think that upper management knows this. I actually think they miiiiight have done me a favor by this. But while I was talking with the HR director, I got the distinct feeling that they were interested in bringing me back into the company in some form or fashion. HR director asked me if I’d be interested in other roles within the department and I said yes, to which he said, “we’ll make this happen.” Whatever that means. I’m not heartbroken. I’m thrilled I have the job that I have. In fact, I’ve been liking it more lately. Maybe everything that’s happening or not happening is for a reason. A good one!
Dates: Eh.
I have now had three dates with Clark. I want to like him so much, I do. He seems like such a great person – successful, handsome, personable, AMAZINGLY sharp dresser, NICE, interesting…the list goes on. But strangely, I’m picking up a vibe. Here are some things about him that bug me [warning: these things may be superficial, but they are things that I won’t be able to look past if they bother me now]: he’s kind of wussy, soft, shaky; can’t really put my finger on it, but something about him is not strong and it bothers me; he’s missing a tooth on the side and you can see it when he laughs; yuck breath; he actually seems a LOT older than 52 – I wonder if he lied on his profile; he was born and raised in an area that I don’t like very much (so I would hate to visit his family if it ever got that far); is way, way too close with his ex-wife; kisses don’t make me swoon and I’ve tried about 5 times now; I can’t picture myself fucking him, and that’s huge.
So where do I go from here? As we were saying goodbye on Tuesday night, he walked me to my door and said he’d really like to see me again – SOON, and I was all, “yeah, yeah, I’d love to!” [smooch][kiss][smooch] And when I walked in my door, I was like, “YUCK!!!!”
Guess I have my answer right there. Good news is, I have a very good excuse. I’m just not there. You know? I’m not ready to ‘date’ anyone. It’s true and it just might come in handy in this particular situation. I’m okay with saying this, and I know he’ll understand because he told me on Date #1 that he used to have his own speech that he’d use before he was over his divorce.
Anywho. The Bulldog. We’ve gone from texting to sexting to talking on the phone. Who knows. He’s not married…I just think he’s bored or just biding his time or something. Regardless, we’ve spent a couple of evenings talking, talking, talking for hours. I mean, on Sunday evening we talked for three hours, and on Tuesday night after my date with Clark, we talked from 11PM to 1:30 in the morning! I haven’t done that in YEARS. He’s smart and so much fun to talk to. Again, who knows where the hell this will lead. I really appreciate this distraction and I think we’ll end up meeting someday. I’m also hoping that the chemistry is as amazing in person as it is online and over the phone. Just, wow.
We’re texting right now. God, he’s sexy.
I better go. Things are getting steamy. More later.
Oh LOVE!
GS
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