Old Habits in Life

They just never really go away. They just kinda sit there in waiting to crop up and pop up and go BANG! Or in this case not. Like a rusty gun (I don’t like how these sound like they’re getting a little innuendo-y) just set to never fire. Gathering dust (Not durst. I need a strike through option)

What I’m really getting at is that I don’t write enough (He says to the surprise of no one)

We’re locked down again, have been since Dec 24th so more than a month now with 2 more weeks on the docket thanks to people who can’t keep their lips off each other or something. I’m not really here to discuss politics or y’know… science. That’s a smarter person’s game.

In short, I’m going crazy.

Again, to no ones surprise.

There’s something about being locked down and the potential of it that just comes out to a dull fizzle once you’re actually knee deep in it. Before this lockdown I was like “ah I’m not going to make the same mistakes I made for the previous 2 lock downs, no, I’m going to achieve a thing!

Narrator: He did not achieve a thing.

We moved in the middle of the second lockdown so I guess that’s a thing or an achievement. went from a 800sq ft apartment to a fully detached house. So movin’ on up in the world thanks to my wife. I’m now the saver of the family which is a forign concept to me at the best of times. Not having debt sure as shit helps but still I’m learning that the savings are not just for me, they’re for us. Which is fine and easy to understand when it comes to things like a Chest freezer or a new bedroom set or the sorts but my wife’s computer is on the fritz so we’re going to have to buy a new one of those soon and that’s difficult for me because I’m used to doing it all on my own so she needs the money and while I’m not consciously thinking this, there is a subconscious impulse of “No! I want shiny things!” I feel like it’s important to recognize those impulsive thoughts so you can point them out and go “We’re not that person”

Our child is growing up quite well. She’s so freaking adorable and totally the beacon of light in our lives during this time where I feel like I am without purpose on a good day. As I said to Pam last night “It’s like my mind just isn’t producing the chemical that makes me feel happy” We had dinner the other night and I ate one burrito and was just sitting there like “this is doing nothing for me” It wasn’t even that I wasn’t hungry, I just didn’t ‘get’ anything from the meal.

There’s a lot of self exploration during these times. And not having family around or only doing weekly calls is something of a problem where there’s no one really to express myself to. Pam and I have had more rough patches than we did in the past year, which is to be expected given tough times but there’s a lot of me looking for the “What next” and I don’t mean that in my usual doom and gloom way but we’re sitting here in a nice house (Renting), we have a great family and it’s like… what do I reach for next? What do I want to achieve next? I think that there’s so much and so much that I’m starting from square 1 it’s hard to… want to go through the tutorial phase again? If that makes sense. Gamers would get it. When you pick up a game again and you gotta go through the starter stuff and you’re just like “ugh this is gonna take too long to get to the good parts” That’s where I’m at. That’s how I feel about life these days.

And I don’t know how to break down or go through that wall.