neutral in --

Everything is just chemical reactions.

My brain doesn’t seem to have the correct calibration for being in this world of such stimuli. I wait and wait. But it never changes. Every now and then when I slow down, I find that I still don’t really want to exist all that much. Rather, I wait for the right sensory inputs that keep me going for a little longer.

What is it like to be neutral?

I used to wonder what it was like to live with a brain that’s not always in survival mode. I surpassed this goal. It feels okay. Certainly better than simple survival.

I define feeling neutral as not actively thinking about existence, as passive acceptance. Living, breathing, performing day-to-day functions successfully without feeling like it’s all a monumental effort. Existence as a net-positive sensory experience.

I want this for myself, but I think that most of the things I’ve done in my life have been in an effort to attain the net positive.

Still, I sometimes remember that we have very little autonomy and there is not much space for one’s humanity. When I was asked “what do you have to live for?” it only made me feel worse. Social obligations and medication keep me tethered to consciousness. I suppose in some ways, so does fear (one of the most primal of human experiences).

I guess frantically creating reasons out of thin air just doesn’t trick me into it sometimes. I desperately wish that it would.