dream on in 2021

1.19.21
2:38pm

I have been having the worst sleep lately. I am almost certain that 97.9% of it is due to that terribly deep ache inside my thigh/hip and probably also the inflammation causing my knees to look like softballs. So it’s impossible to get comfortable. If I lay on my back my knees get stiff. If I lay on my right side my hip starts to hurt. If I lay on my left it turns into a combo of both [and maybe even my arm falling asleep when my luck’s just right]. Ugh.

I wrote about this before. The fact that I’ve been self-medicating with alcohol. But I am trying to do better now. The new year always causes a renewed sense of spirit, right?

So I want to try to lose some weight. I, somehow mysteriously and randomly, lost about 15lbs last year but I have been slowly gaining it back. I know a lot of women have issues with their weight because society is shit, but I don’t care too much about the number. I just want to be comfortable in my own skin. In that sense, I’m cutting back on carbs where I can. Some times I’m really good at it and some times I do miserably. I’m not holding my standards too high or too strictly though. I’ll just do what I can here and there. Every thing in moderation.

Which is another reason to cut back on alcohol. It’s not helping my waistline and that aforementioned moderation would be nice too. So last week I started this new thing where I drink my “drinks” from a shot glass. It might seem like a lot to some people but I measured it out into my glass [which is also a small whiskey glass so I was already cutting back from a full high ball] and it’s easily half of what I was drinking. I still have a few of them at night, it distracts me from the pain, and I try to go to bed sooner.

That failed a lot last week. I was still going in to work at 11am though so it didn’t hurt that bad. This week I am back to my 9-6 schedule and staying up until 1/2/3+am is not going to work in the long run. It’s easy to forget how much a lack of sleep will affect your entire life.

1.20.21
5:25pm

I wasn’t able to finish this yesterday. Got distracted with actual work. hah.

Basically I was just talking about how I’m trying to convince my body that sleep is good and it needs more. I think part of it is that I use the time at night to decompress and be alone with my thoughts. It’s turned into my introvert time and I’m having trouble stopping that. I need to find other ways to spend time on my own before the middle of the night and I think that will help too. Maybe I’ll look into putting a tv in my room and then I can go in there and hide.

That’s probably a good idea considering I’ve been falling asleep on the couch almost every night after 10pm. Like the last two nights I’ve fallen asleep around 10:15p and was in and out until about 11:30p. But then I woke up and watched tv until 1am. Even with the nap that’s still not good. I have been trying to cut myself off and force myself to my bedroom a little earlier every night. It’s been a slow process but I’ll give myself some props. 1:00am is way better than 3:30am. shrug

Some thing is some thing.

Anyway, I have another appt with my doc next month and maybe we’ll try something new to at least hold me over until I can get that hip surgery done. I’m aiming for May-ish. Definitely want to get the inflammation down before then though. The virtual appt with the Stanford doc was complete shit. It lasted about a half hour and then he literally repeated to me what I told him my last doc said. Had zero opinion of his own. Didn’t even attempt to try to make his own diagnoses. I was so disappointed and deflated. My fault for putting too many eggs in that basket I guess. Now I’ll wait until this appt next month and hopefully we can brainstorm on a new plan. I just want to be able to walk like a semi-normal human being.

And sleep. I definitely want more sleep.

[sidenote: I overheard a client yesterday telling mom that her old boss has hip pain and can’t sleep because of how much it aches at night. She shared some cbd gummies with her and apparently she’s been sleeping beautifully. Maybe that should be my next move? I’ve heard good things.]

Ok. Time to finish up work for the night.

rose.
5:37pm