Newcastle - Last Night in All Good Things

I think I just ended my marriage.

I've known for a long time it's been coming, probably for a couple of years, but I've been trying everything I can to save it. Tonight I accepted that it's not salvageable.

It's so hard when you love somebody to realise that you can no longer be with them. To be the one to point that out, to make the move. It's much easier to just keep drifting along no matter how painful the waters may be.

This is the second time I've had to leave a man I love. A man who loves me.

But the situation is strangely similar: the relationship is too harmful to me and I can't take it anymore. I can't keep allowing myself to be damaged like this. I endure and endure because I love, because I can't bear to break both our hearts, but I'm merely destroying myself.

I tried so hard this time, after the tragedy of what happened last time. It's literally been YEARS of trying to find a way to save it, to not have to leave him. All I can do, I guess, is pray that he doesn't end up dead, too....

For a long time, that fear was all that kept me here. But what about me? I can't keep staying in relationships that rip me to pieces simply because the man I love needs me too badly. What about what I need?

I have to go home in the morning. We've been emailing (mostly because he's almost impossible to have a proper conversation with about real things) but now we'll have to talk in person. Part of me expects that he'll play it normal, continue to procrastinate, pretend we'll talk seriously at some random time in the future - which never comes. His favourite phrase is, "Now isn't the time..." Another part of me wonders if he'll even be there when I get home or if he'll have cleared out and disappeared with all his stuff in order to save himself ever having to confront it. I wouldn't put it past him, given his behaviour in the past.

Whichever way, I don't really care. I'm going to Edinburgh on Tuesday, so I'll have Scotland to hold onto, to help me breathe and help me figure out what in all hell I'm going to do next.

Ha. I just realised. It's pretty much exactly five years to the day since we got engaged. (And I knew even then that marrying him was a mistake.....)