Vacation - stay or go in Journal of life stuff

I can’t make a decision, so, let’s try writing about it.

Do I stay or go? I have next week off of work, and it’s actually the first vacation I’ve taken since moving here in May. I had been waiting for COVID to end, but the number of people who can’t read a high school biology textbook and learn the difference between a virus and a bacteria is shocking. As is the number of people who can’t understand, in that same biology text, how genetics works and that the punnett squares for humans also work on viruses and bacteria. Sigh.

Part of me wants to go see Smokey Mountain Christmas, because I like Christmas lights, and the general touristy nature of the area. I’ve wanted to go back…my original plan in 2017 was to find a girl during the spring, date her a bit, and go with her to see the Christmas lights. I tried again in 2018 and failed then too. 2019 was not a great Christmas. Here we are, 2020, and it’s still not great, but I can do it. I have the time, the money, so what’s holding me back? A lot of things if I’m honest. It’s going to be cold. I feel like a baby saying that, but going from it being around 70F to it being around 40F in a 2 day span is going to be miserable. Especially on rollercoasters and other moving rides.

I’m also too fat to fit in my jacket properly anymore. That’s a self-inflicted problem, I know. But…I lost the weight (~180lbs) to get a date, and I didn’t get any more than I did as a fat man. When you punish both success and failure that is highly damaging to a person. Especially when they delayed rewards for 5 years and the reward at the end of the journey was the same salt they dealt with at the beginning, just with less fat being lugged around. I felt better at 180lbs than I do at 220. I know I’d be happier. I know my back would probably stop hurting, and my arm too. But it’s a lot easier for me to go buy a snack and eat it than spend the year+ sticking to a calorie budget only to find out that, actually, I really did tear muscles/tendons, and maybe they can’t be fixed even with surgery.

These excuses for staying fat suck. But I’m being honest. I need a win. I need a win I don’t feel like I deserve because I have been punished on both sides of trying and not trying. I just need to win, and a reason to do better. I need something worth having, because right now, eating myself to death seems like a decent way to go out.

The reality is, if I stay at home, I’ll eat myself into happiness because I’m mad at myself for not finding stuff to do that really interests me. Sure, there are places I could finally go out and try, like Corkscrew, and seeing what Christmas lights are up in Katy. I could hit up that one place in Tyler, TX that seemed to have a really sweet sandwhich. But…I’m still going to have a lot of time at home being bored. WoW stopped holding my interest. I don’t have people to play with and I’ve already written about how bad I am at making friends.

If I go, I’m going to overeat there too. On one hand, at least I’ll be walking around and burning it off. But I could (and would) ride my bike if I stayed, so the calorie burn vs eat rate is basically a wash either way. I really, really, really don’t want to be 235lbs during Christmas week. I don’t want that level of failure in my life. At the same time, I don’t see how I am going to be anything other than frustrated, irritable, and annoyed if I try to stick to a calorie budget, regardless of where I am.

Yes, I lost 180lbs, but I was also a toxic and irritable little shit while doing so. Sigh. Ok. This problem isn’t getting resolved today. Or probably this year. It’s been a problem ever since that shitty as fuck date in 2017, just after I got laid off. That’s when my spirit broke, and I haven’t been able to put it back together ever since. I got really close with Trisha, but then she up and decided ‘we are different people’ and has never given any more explanation than that. I actually lost 10lbs dating her, because she was better than I felt I deserved. I’m not crazy. I’m not talking out of my ass. I know exactly how to fix myself. And I’m NOT FUCKING WRONG! Fuck I hate this shit.

So, really, ‘go or stay’ boils down to that problem. What I really want is not to go or stay. What I want is hope. What I want is to not be alone for Christmas. What I want is to have someone to make a gingerbread house with (I already bought the kit). Or make cookies for. Or cook some part of Christmas dinner for. But I don’t want it to be a one night stand thing, and I don’t want to be the odd person out at a family dinner taking pity on me. I’d enjoy the company and be thankful for it, don’t misunderstand, but there’s a fundamental difference between not being alone because a family takes pity on you, and not being alone because someone else who would have been alone too decides to not be alone with you. They decide to say yes, for once, instead of always saying no. There’s a fundamental and powerful difference between these things; to all parties involved.

I know that if I go to Dollywood I will not find anyone else there like me. Almost nobody goes there by themselves. I say this as someone who has gone there at least 10 times by himself. In all that time, I counted less than 20 people who were not male and also alone. 99% of people are either old couples, families, or just normal couples. I’d be perfectly happy chatting up one of the girls who plays fiddle after her show was over. I know that life isn’t easy. And I love the violin. A man can dream.

I stand the same chance of not being alone whether I stay or go. Going costs money, but I have plenty to spend. Going costs time, and frankly, I’d enjoy being out of this apartment for a while.

Look. Dollywood is closed Monday and Tuesday anyway. It will take me 2 days to drive there. I don’t have to head out…I’m just going to sleep on it and see how i feel in the morning. The point of this vacation is to relax and unwind, and if I’m all spun up trying to make a decision, then I’m not unwinding. If I just want to get on my bike and ride around, then I’ll do that instead. That said, it does make sense to leave tomorrow morning because I don’t actually have any food to eat for breakfast (or in general, I’d planned to leave). So…yeah. Unlike most of you who read this, I don’t keep my cabinet/pantry stocked. I keep exactly as much food as I will eat during the next week. It’s part of how I avoid snacking and overeating. You can’t have ‘extra’ food if there is no extra food.