Going back to therapy in 2020 Vision

Finding an available therapist in my area during the COVID age is proving to be quite a challenge. I’m finding that A) while I have private insurance, many therapists don’t take the insurance that I have through work and B) the therapists who DO take it, are full and waitlisted. So many waitlists! And it took me forever and a downward slide of things after getting unexpectedly dumped through email from my last therapist to convince myself that it is indeed time to go back to seeing a therapist. In a way I almost feel like its Stockholm Syndrome. So I got a referral to see one at the community clinic I go to where I go for my medical needs. This is actually where I first started seeing my therapist before she branched out into private practice. But, my doctor has been trying to get me to see a new counselor there because of the way things have been going, so I asked for a referral yesterday, and she gladly set me up. The soonest I can do my intake with the new therapist is January 6th!! Nearly a month away. But its better than being waitlisted at these other group/private practices. I’m guessing that since I have to wait nearly a month for her next availability, I will most likely only be able to see her on a monthly basis which is not ideal at all, but what can you do. Its something.

I’ve been having panic attacks, and they come at the weirdest of times. I never know when they are going to strike until they do. But they are the same every time, so I now recognize em when they arrive. First my back, shoulders, and lower neck muscles tighten up and my heart races, i do quick deep breathing exercises to try to stop what I know if coming next. If the deep breathing exercises dont work, its lightheadedness and intense sweating through my clothes next. Sometimes this stage is accompanied by throwing up, most often it is not. After the sweating stage comes the freezing and shivering stage. Once I reach that stage, I know I’m not in fact dying and that the attack is almost over because its always the last stage. So I lay on the floor shivering and freezing gratefully. My last panic attack was the night before last. The one before that came about a month ago while I was at the skatepark. That one was embarassing. I had to leave. I actually had to have a friend who lives nearby come and pick me up and drive me home, even though the skatepark is about 0.5 mi down the road from where I live. It was so weird.

I’m working from home these days, but I have to regularly leave my place during the workday because if I don’t, I go insane. I live alone, and you simply cannot expect a human being to stay in total isolation from 8:30am-5:00pm. I think the isolation is contributing to my anxiety. SO I regularly leave my apartment during the day to walk my dog or go skating. I try to plan the breaks around lunchtime so I can write it off as my lunch, but some days my “lunch” lasts for three hours. I simply cannot stay home all day all alone.

Last updated December 11, 2020