I think that feeling OK this past week or so was nature's way of giving me a survival tactic. Just when I think I'm going to be fine, BOOM, another big wave of sorrow and grief. I had it bad last night and this morning. I have cried the blue right out of my eyes and now they are green. And that's fine. I hope the green will make me sassier.
I haven't heard anything more from Clark (see: RAD, previous entry). I woke up yesterday morning, hungover as hell, and texted him a quick thank you for our fun evening. Funny how the anticipation of another text or request for a date makes me like him more. I guess that's just Dating 101, eh?
And then I wonder how SP is doing. I even wonder about SOS (Son of SP). I wonder about his friends and family and what they are doing this Easter weekend. I wonder if SP is going to visit his family. I wonder if he's taking his new love. I wonder, wonder, wonder, and then my heart overflows and then I cry.
Then I pick myself up and take myself for a walk. Sometimes, even while on the walk I get sad and tears well up and I talk to myself a little bit. Classic crazy, I know, but I don't care because this is what is happening.
The thing that got to me earlier is the thought that yes, I WILL get over him and I WILL be fine, and he WILL turn into a memory and a part of my past. I will get to a point where I will feel nothing for him....and that's the part that really makes me sad. Because the nothingness is so bleak. For someone to go from being my everything to feeling pretty much nothing for him makes me just as sad.
Then, after I've walked a bit I tell myself these things:
Then I keep walking until it's as much out of my system as I can make it be.
The Bulldog is pissing me off. I'm getting a little tired of our text-only relationship. Truth be told I believe this is all that he wanted, and while it's still scratching some of my itches, I don't know how much longer it will. It will be fine.
Truthfully, I think he's more of a mess than I am. People sure will tell you who they are. He wrote that he was "broken" last night. I didn't question it. Just said I was sorry and asked if there was anything I could do to help. He answered, "I wish."
Ugh.
I have a lot to say about the Tinder app. It's been a little bit of a lifeboat for me. Perhaps a crutch. Is there anything wrong with that? I don't know. It's been fun, but it's also weird. I kind of laugh at the superficiality of it all, but I'm also aware that I'm in a cynical place in my heart and it's good that this is a place I can go for distraction and some fun.
I've seen one person on the app who I know. I used to work with this guy. Really sweet, gentle person. I swiped "nope" for him because weird.
I've met one other person in addition to Clark. I suppose I should do a RAD for this one as well... so here, for your reading enjoyment is RAD: Marciano
Name: Marciano (name very slightly changed)
Age:54
Status: I believe he's never been married. I know that he's had 4 BIG loves in his life. We discussed this.
Job: Former Pro Soccer Player (all over the US); current soccer coach
Lives: About 20 miles north of my downtown place - close to SP, and that's bothersome
He Wore: Dark jeans, dark shirt, and had a cane
I Wore: Don't even remember. Whatever I wore to work that day (Tuesday), so it was probably a dress of some sort.
We Did: Sampled wine and ate small plates at a wine bar. I've been to this bar many times and it's always just so-so.
First Impression: Super nice, but a lot shorter than I expected from his ONE photo with NO description! What should I even expect??! Walked with a cane, but he also told me that it he'd had a hip replacement recently because of old soccer wear and tear. Very sexy accent (he's originally from Sao Paulo, Brazil), zero chemistry
High Point: We had a very nice conversation ranging from our backgrounds to our families to the loves of our lives. He's very sweet and interesting. I like that he didn't beat around the bush wanting to meet me. I like that he's extremely straight-forward.
Low Point: Again, zero spark. Yes, I realize that I'm trying to date prematurely, but even if I was feeling open to love or at least romance, I would not have gone for this guy.
Ended: With a hug and kiss on the cheek. He offered to drive me to my car, but I said no, I wanted to walk.
Chances Are: 98% no. I don't want to see him again. It would be fun to bump into him again randomly. He's a really, really sweet guy, but just....nah.
So my friends, I just looked out the window. It's a gorgeous, wonderful, sunny day and I have Good Friday off work! So I need to go make the best of it. I have zero plans today so I think I'll go home decor shopping, take myself to lunch on a patio somewhere and then..who knows? Today would be the perfect day to Day Drink, but I have noticed that hangovers make me extremely depressed lately, so probably nix that thought.
Regardless, I need to get out of this funk and out of the house.
Love, sunshine, and a better outlook (I hope!).
GS
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