In the morning of our day off together, I was being flirty. I told him we could just do some kissing. Ian was a little affectionate, but said that he was hungry. Somehow he stays in bed lots of times until 1pm, but that morning at 11am he obviously couldn't wait another minute for that bowl of raisin bran.
Later in the car on the way to do some errands, I told him that maybe he could tell me when the best time for our 15 minutes of affection would be. Keri had told us we could set a timer, and give physical intimacy a go for 15 minutes. Ian agreed that he would take the initiative, and that I would be the one in charge of calling it quits when the time was up. A bit of role-reversal.
We went about our day, did our errands, had dinner, watched a movie. Finally we went to bed. We were lying in bed, both face-up. He said that I must "hate" him, because he didn't tell me at any point during the day that we could start the timer. He was freaking out, he was anxious, saying there never was a good time.
I rolled over to him, leaning over him, and let my hair cascade over him. I touched his face gently. "Hi," I said. We talked nicely for a while, and then he was a bit more open to the idea of at least cuddling in a sexy way. We kissed a little.
Then I started to get very sad. All I could think of was every sad and awful encounter he and I had had. I felt sad, and angry, bitter, and resentful. Ian said I looked, "lost in thought." I told him how I was feeling, and recounted a couple times that I had been very flippantly rejected. I told him that he was selfish, neglectful, and taking me for granted.
For a moment he was sad, and then he said, emphatically, that I was talking bullshit. Usually when I say how I've been upset, he says either that he "doesn't want to take all the blame," or that he "feels like such a failure." This time, he told me that I "can't tell him how he feels."
Now, granted, that doesn't make any sense. I wasn't saying that he felt selfish, or negligent, or that he felt like taking me for granted. I said that's how he acted. I didn't explain why he did what he did. I didn't say he didn't care about me, or try to explain how he thinks. Whether he had a good reason or not, his actions have consequences.
But, I was so impressed at the time that he didn't just crumple, all I could say was, "That was good." Ian asked if I had been trying to provoke him. I said no. Although, and I didn't say this, it was really refreshing that he showed some spark of being a person.
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