It Is Never Okay to Approach Me About My Disability in Service Dog

While I’m a service dog handler, it’s been Covid out there. I haven’t felt terribly comfortable taking my dog out places with me because I’m too afraid it’ll encourage interaction with people. How sad is that? I can’t feel comfortable taking my medical accommodation places because I’m afraid it will attract people to me because, “Oh! Look at the doggie!”

Okay, that’s not the only reason. Nika has been waiting on her vet appointment because she’s been scratching herself raw and now her skin is incredibly dry, and it’s just a mess. Thanks to Covid it’s been a nightmare trying to get her into the vet. So while this started as just because of Covid, it’s now because my poor itchy puppy is in no shape to work right now. She thankfully goes to the vet on Saturday.

But not having Nika with me has shown me just so clearly how much differently I’m treated when I have an accommodation and when I don’t. I was shocked at first, but now I’m wondering if I actually want to go back to having a service dog, or if maybe a service human and never leaving the house will somehow be enough. I’m seriously wondering if I can structure my life around not having a dog because I get things done so much quicker and it’s actually less stressful in a lot of ways, so long as I have a human with me to handle things when I can’t and who can calm me down when I’m falling into an utter panic.

Here’s the thing. When I go places with my service dog people stop me all the damned time. I get stopped to talk about my dog at least once every time I leave with her, often times way more than that. These aren’t people who want to make a quick comment about how my dog is cute, but people who want to get into a full-on conversation. The people who want to talk about their dogs are annoying. The people who do the whole, “I wish I could pet you, but you’re working…” are also really annoying. But the people I can’t stand? “I’m trying to get a service dog. Now that you know I’m legitimate, talk to me about having a service dog, what it’s like, how it helps, what tasks they do, and let me talk about why I want one!”

Really? You think I’m super excited to hear yet another person who plans on getting a service dog because whatever need they claim to have (usually anxiety, most commonly social anxiety, which is ironic because they’re approaching me to chat my ear off), and I want to interrupt my day to talk about my disability? No, I really don’t. That’s all well and good that you want to get a service dog, but in a lot of these cases I just want to roll my eyes because they have no idea the level of training and effort it takes and seem to think that they can just get a letter and take their dog everywhere. It’s even worse when they don’t have a clue what public access training is, because it likely means they’re planning to take their poorly trained dog everywhere. And then there’s the people who want to tell me they want to get XYZ breed of dog because they’ll make a good service dog, right? Generally they know nothing about the personality of the breed or their own needs. They just want a trendy dog with no idea the amount of time and energy that needs to go into it. They expect the dog to be able to be trained to do things like alert to their seizures or migraines before they happen, which is universally accepted to be impossible to train, unless you have some physical tick or sign that the dog can respond to. Some dogs can do it naturally, but that’s all luck of the draw. And then the all too common is, “What tasks do you think will help me if I have XYZ?” I don’t know. Look it up! Go online! That’s what Facebook groups are for!

The common thing among the service dog community has been, “You wouldn’t approach someone to talk about their wheelchair, would you?” That’s generally gotten people to realize just how rude it is. I mean, most of the people I knew grew up knowing it’s rude to talk to people about their disabilities. Disabled people don’t want to be seen for their disabilities. They want to be seen for their skills and accomplishments just like everyone else. If the sole reason someone wants to talk to me is because of my disability, I suddenly don’t have interest in talking to them anymore because I don’t enjoy being disabled. I don’t enjoy talking about my disability. This isn’t fun for me, and while it’s great that someone else sees me and can identify with me, I don’t want to be interrupted from my day to talk about how incredibly disabled I am. That’s not my idea of a good time. I already know I’m disabled. I already know it inconveniences my life in so many ways. The last thing I want is to dwell on it. I just want to get on with my life and focus on better things, like how much fun I’m having at this event with my kids, or just enjoying my shopping trip.

Someone in one of the service dog groups asked what they could do to approach people politely about their service dog team because sometimes they just want information and they like to feel connected to people. I get that. Sometimes it’s a lonely world out there and you just want to feel human connection. Being disabled can feel incredibly lonely. It can be isolating, especially if you don’t have people who understand.

The thing is, if you approach me because I’m disabled, that means what you see about me is that I’m disabled. The focal point of our conversation is, well, I’m disabled. More than that, you want to talk about what I use to mitigate that disability, which means getting into my personal health, and that’s not something that’s generally okay. You wouldn’t walk up to a normal stranger and say, “I see you have glasses. I, on occasion, also wear glasses. Can we have a detailed conversation about your glasses? How do they work for you? Are you nearsighted or farsighted? Have you considered whether bifocals would be helpful to you? What made you choose the particular shape of glasses you’re wearing? Did field of vision at all impact your choice? Do you find that plastic rims are more distracting when you see them in the corners of your vision? What made you choose plastic over metal?” No! That would be incredibly weird, wouldn’t it? The person on the other end of the conversation would probably be pretty uncomfortable, so why is it okay to do that with a disability?

But this person basically said they do just that. They do talk to people about their wheelchair, the make, model, talk about canes, rollators, and other accommodations, and people seem generally helpful and informative. People don’t seem to mind it. They’re just looking for a way to approach people with service dogs that would be respectful and not considered rude.

Here’s the thing, though, just because someone doesn’t say, “Hey, you know it’s pretty rude to ask me about my wheelchair,” doesn’t mean they don’t find it rude or draining. A lot of the disabled people out there really do seem to have this understanding that they’re ambassadors for the rest of the community, so being rude will only result in more challenges down the line. Disabled people often do feel pressured to be polite and helpful, even if they don’t have the spoons to deal with the exhaustion of talking to someone for twenty minutes about their disability when they’re just trying to get their weekly shop done or enjoy a nice day out at a museum. Just because someone is polite and helpful doesn’t mean they want a lot of attention drawn to their disability or their accommodation.

And that’s what gets me the most. When people approach me because I’ve got my service dog or I’m on crutches or because I’m obviously wearing a brace, people are seeing my disability. They’re not approaching me to talk about my fabulous style or because I’m working on something really cool. They’re talking to me because they see a disability, and they seem to think pointing out that disability is somehow acceptable. It’s not, “Wow, you’re a fabulous person!” No, it’s “Wow, you’re disabled!”

Okay! I know I’m disabled! I know I have crippling anxiety which is not helped by people approaching me wanting to talk about it. I know I walk with a limp very frequently and should really use a cane, but I use braces to the best of my ability so I can put that off as long as possible. I know I get migraines that put me to the floor and leave me in tears that come on with such suddenness that it feels like a spike through my brain. I don’t need to be reminded of these things, and that in no way makes me cool or interesting. It’s a fact of life that I don’t particularly enjoy, but have to live with. Please don’t remind me of it. Please don’t ask me a ton of questions on how it limits my life, and please don’t bring up how hard it must be. And for the love of all things holy, don’t tell me I don’t look disabled.

The reality is I don’t like talking about being disabled. I don’t like talking about having a service dog and I’ve fought getting a cane because I don’t want one more thing for people to stare at. I don’t enjoy sitting around talking about task training and all of that, or where I got her from or how. I don’t want to sit there and listen to someone else talk about their disability and their need. I’ll be honest, I don’t care that we have a disability in common. Two people being disabled is not actually a reason to be friends. Just because we’re both disabled, and maybe even with the same disability, doesn’t mean I want to sit down for a chat with you. Just because I’m polite and helpful doesn’t mean I enjoyed the conversation and didn’t find it draining. Not everyone’s identity is wrapped up in the fact that they’re disabled, and if someone’s identity is “disability” I worry about them that much more.

Because, yes, there are people whose entire identity is wrapped up in the fact that they’re disabled. I don’t know if anyone’s been reading long enough to remember M, but that’s someone whose whole identity was, “Because I’m autistic and have PTSD and anxiety and I’m a service dog handler.” That was, and largely still is their entire identity. Five seconds into any conversation was, “Because I’m autistic.” One of the first things they said about themselves was always that they were a service dog handler and they were obsessed with dogs and the only people they really wanted to talk to constantly were other service dog handlers about service dogs. It was one of the things that split us apart. Yes, I’m disabled and a service dog handler, but I am not my disability. Yes, I’m autistic. Yes, I have anxiety. Yes, I have DID. Yes, I have PTSD. Yes, I also have undiagnosed physical disabilities that are incredibly painful, and migraines, and possibly seizures. Yes, I have all these things wrong with me, but that’s what limits my life. That is not who I am. I am not autism. I am not anxiety. I am so much more.

I am an incredibly creative, interesting, and deep diving kind of person. I’m obsessed with history. I love classic literature. I’m a maker and enjoy sewing, knitting, chainmail, basically anything where I can start with materials and end with a product, just not cooking. I like working with textiles. My favorite reading materials are often non-fiction books, largely on history, but also psychology. I enjoy education and homeschooling, which is totally related to parenting, but I’ve finally gotten comfortable with “parent” not being my identity, which is a good thing because eventually I won’t be raising children any longer. In ten years they’ll all be grown, and while I’ll still be a parent, raising children is what I do, not a part of who I am. I can talk for hours on subjects I’m interested in, and I love to write. I love role playing and taking on characters too. I love being on stage, whether it’s acting or dancing or whatever. All of those are things that I am, things I want people to notice about me, and the things I want to be known for. I want to be known for my accomplishments and the things I love, not the things that hold me back or stand in my way.

And yes, I do understand the value in acknowledging my disabilities. It’s important to notice the things I’ve had to overcome to get where I am in life. It’s important to see the disability and say, “Yes, this made it harder.” But I don’t want people to develop an opinion of me based on my disability. I want them to see the cool things I’ve accomplished and the disability comes as an after fact. “I met this person while out today. They had the most amazing outfit. They made it themselves! Oh, yeah, and they were also disabled and had a cane and a service dog, but you should have seen that outfit! It was gorgeous!” I want people to see me, not my disability, and that’s what makes it hard.

And if this doesn’t make it clear that I want to be noticed for so much more than my disability, then I don’t know what else to say. Let’s just look at it this way, it is never okay to call attention to the things that make something different in a potentially negative way. It is never okay to make someone feel called out on something that makes them uncomfortable about themselves because you want to talk about it. That puts all of the burden on the person you’re approaching. If I don’t want to talk about my disability, the option to go about my life and not talk about it is no longer there because it’s already floating out there and the burden is now on me to tell you I don’t want to talk about it or I’m not comfortable. I have to be the one to explain that it’s not an okay topic, and that burden shouldn’t have to be on me. I may not have the brain space or the spoons to do it, and you’ve just taken the option of not spending the spoons to address it away from me. Now at the very least I have to engage to tell you I don’t want to engage, and that’s not fair to me.

If you want to talk to me, talk to me about something positive, something happy, something that makes me stand out as a person that’s not my disability. Once you’ve taken the time to get to know me, you’ll know if and when it’s okay to bring it up. Hell, I may even bring it up myself because I just need someone to talk to about something and you happen to be there. Otherwise? There’s a ton of online groups that have all the answers you seek. Don’t harass the disabled, even if you are disabled. Go online and find a group that’s involved with what you want to know about there, and that gives the disabled person permission to engage or not based on their own decision, not based on whether or not the conversation was forced upon them.