Did you ever have that time when you were younger when you wanted to be someones friend and you tried, but it just did not work. Perhaps you did everything you could think of to earn even a look in your direction. Other kids would say, oh all you need to do is give them a toy car, they love those things, and so you did, and the person just kind of looked at you, took it, and ran away. So other kids said, just play with them at recess! They will for sure be your friend then. So you went and tried to play with them, any game they wanted, and still nothing happened. Other kids said what a great person they were and they loved everyone, but you realized that they did not like you, no matter what you did you could not get anything from them, and you showered gifts and affection on them.
For me that was what it was like when I first heard about Jesus in college. Everyone was going on and on about how amazing he was, and how if you do what he says and follows him how your life would be so much better. I went to church and tried to do what they said.I asked him into my heart so many times. I was baptized because I wanted him to love me. I felt nothing other than never good enough. I prayed and prayed, seriously like you wouldn’t believe. I guess what amazes me now is I did not give up. Why? I have no idea. But I tried for years. Even after I was married I tried. I never ever felt a thing, and doing what the Bible said didn’t seem to change or effect my life much. What I mean by that is I was still super depressed, I hated life, I didn’t have the joy everyone talked about.
At one point I had this sudden realization that the issue was Jesus was fake. He wasn’t real. He was just made up to take people away from God. I went and volunteered for groups that preached against him. I hated him. I felt like I wasted my college years trying to chase after him and he was a farce. For so many years I could not even utter his name because I hated him so much, instead I used a curse like word in Hebrew that meant, may his name be blotted out.
I seriously legit hated him. Downright hated him. Like despised him with every atom of my body. If someone wanted to talk to me about him, my brain just put up a wall. I had a friend prove to me that the Messiah had to have come using the book of Daniel, and I was like, ok, but I hated Jesus so much there was no way I was having anything to do with him.
I was like this for years and years and years.
Then just by messaging with a missionary who never, ever, and I mean never ever pushed Jesus on me things changed. Why? Because he told me that God loves me, and he told me to pray and ask God to show me his love.
Even though this happened in July, and it is now November, I think I am still a little shell shocked over things.I went into that prayer hating Jesus, and at the end of what happened suddenly I knew that he was my redeemer. Like I just KNEW.
It’s like that kid you tried to be friends with and you gave him the car and he ran away, well that was his even twin brother, the cool kid DID want to be friends with you. And I know that isn’t a good comparison but that is all I can come up with right now.
So my heart knew with every little bit that Jesus IS the messiah and that he actually loved me. I have felt so much joy and happiness since that day. My brain is still trying to figure it out.
God really does love you! Honest to goodness!!