Chubby with a lot to Lose. in Life in the Lost Lane...

Good Morning to all...That scale always makes me cringe, seems that i cant do it myself without having WW on my side. Im horrible at self control and i only take Hydroxycut to go and suppress my appetite. And it always seems as i am my own best enemy, which of course i am. Why couldnt i have been born into my fiances family and it be backasswards where im super skinny and hes a lil chunky and he likes to do all his busy work and he can then lose weight easier, i know, i know, though he loves me for who i am, i cant say the same for myself. I really think that my last relationship threw a big wrench in how i feel about myself not as a person because i know i am a good one. But self image wise, he was after all my first serious bf and when you think your in love youll do anything until you realize that the other person isnt and they wont. But i think it really messed up my psyche i view myself as having to be a certain way, look a certain way, it was a torment over and over again and i guess that it just continued in my own mind after i left. I know that i never want to reach that 300 lb mark and that i would one day love to be back in the mid 100s but it is really hard work and i know im just not at that point where i want to exercise, thats always a sore spot for me too. Im not saying its all his fault, just the way i feel about myself, if you had someone telling you almost weekly that they are embarrassed to be seen with you or are only with you because they cant get any better it does put a blow to someones mind. Im still working on myself mentally for almost 3 years, will be in Aug. But i wish so much that i could see myself through Ms eyes, just as i wish he could see himself through mine. Its hard since we only get 8 visits a month and it seems every turn we get denied again. Just this last week he was told that he has to work on his outs, which is he works on the prison grounds and then comes back in at night, which will be a 6 month duration, then the parole board will see him again. Just one thing and then another, we are lucky enough that so far they are letting him stay in this camp instead of far away where he would be. Small favors i guess, but they just did a new rule where if a person has been incarcerated for 10 yrs or more then you have to do outs no matter what. Wonder if it was because of him and wanting out so bad, who knows it sucks all around. So until next time...