You'll Never Take Me Down... in Just Moments

~Have you ever wished that you could change something about your past? An event, a situation, a decision? Its been hitting me lately that if I would have done XYZ differently where would I be today. I know that some of my life decisions weren't the ones I would have made if I would have really researched the options when I made those decisions. But then I wouldn't have had the moments I had, met the people I know and so forth. I mean even some of the most scary decisions I have made have led me to some really great moments and memories. Allowed me to make some lifelong friends. I don't maybe I'm just being weird but these thoughts have been crossing my mind lately.

~On decision that I have really been thinking about is my decision to wait. I mean I don't regret waiting, but sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I didn't. Where would I be now if I didn't? I like to think that I would be a single mom living somewhere just trying to get by. Maybe I would have gotten married to that guy and had a family with him where we would live happily ever after. I don't know and all these different possibilities are possible. But in the end I'm still waiting. I would be able to support a child now if it happened so I'm not worried about that, but I guess for me it's always been about being in love. I have been in love with someone once. And I didn't realize that I loved him until after we broke up. I still love him, but I'm not in love with him anymore. I haven't seen him in a while, we still talk and text regularly now, but I don't feel the same about him as I used to. I thought he was the one. And when we got another chance to be together I still thought he was the one until I wasn't enough for him. I wasn't worth waiting for. And that's what gets me every time. I'm not worth waiting for. I don't understand it. I realize that sex is a big part of a relationship but at least for me its not the most important part. And who knows maybe I would have a different opinion if I would have done it a long time ago, but for me its always been about a deeper connection. And maybe someday I'll change my mind. I just feel so worthless when I know that certain people don't want to date me just because they don't want to wait to have sex. Maybe I'm the one who has it wrong, or maybe not, still hurts either way.

~This leads me to consider what I really want out of life. For the longest time I thought that I wanted to get married and live happily ever after. As I grow older and experience life more, I have realized that what I want is very unrealistic. I don't know what your theory on cheating is but my opinion about it is that if you are in a committed relationship with someone, then you do sexual stuff with just that one person. Some people think cheating is having sex with someone else, but I count even kissing. So that being said, I have never cheated on one of my boyfriends and for the most part when I was considering dating a guy I usually only see one at a time, not multiple. Just my style. But I have also been the other woman and a handful of situations. Some I knew that I was the other woman some I didn't. I'm not proud of it, but I can't deny what I have done. Just seeing the different situations where I have been the other woman does not give me any faith that a guy will be willing to stay faithful to me and only me. Even if we were having sex and seeing as we wouldn't be I have a hard time believing it would happen. This makes me really sad. If you aren't happy with what you have then end things. Yeah that could be painful but its at least fair. I guess I just don't get why you wouldn't do that. I wouldn't be able to keep that secret. In the end that relationship ends up being a big fat lie. And I wouldn't want to be caught up in a lie. Today one of my friends asked me about this topic seeing as he is cheating on his girlfriend and asked me what he should do and I told him to break up with his girlfriend. To me that is the only solution. Seeing as it would probably happen anyways either he would do it or she would find out and do it. So in my opinion the sooner the better. No one likes getting dragged along for the ride. But who knows. I know that some people would be able to forgive and move forward, but I'm just no one. Once a cheater always a cheater...