Old in Stuff

  • Oct. 26, 2020, 7:31 p.m.
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I’m starting to feel old.

I think Michael Jackson was onto something living out his youth at an older age. The childhood stardom took away his childhood. I’m not saying I’m Michael Jackson. I’m saying I couldn’t be myself as a gay guy living in rural Queensland with highly religious parents. Being in the closet wasn’t that big a deal though, with not many people around anyway out there.
Anyway, this isn’t about that. I’m starting to feel old. And I started to wonder, “I wonder at what time in people’s lives, or at what age, they start to *feel * their body not being able to do what it used to do?
Look at me writing like I’m 80 years old. I’m a few months off turning freaking 37 LOL.
And then I think that and wonder, “What the hell am I doing to be like at 74!? Will I be able to MOVE? LOL. Maybe I should just jump off an expressway bridge - maybe being hit by a Mack truck will be slightly less painful than my joints in old age :P
I dunno, I’m feeling weird. I’m relatively healthy. As far as I know.
I’ve been getting my teeth fixed gradually. I’ve had two dental appointments so far over the past two weeks had had fillings done. The first one wasn’t so bad. The one last week was quite uncomfortable - it must have been a large filling, as it’s still giving me a bit of discomfort almost a week on. I can’t tell if it just hasn’t been fixed properly or if it’s just still in recovery-mode. Tomorrow I have my third (and hopefully final for a little while) where I have to get the final two fillings done. At least I don’t have to get anything major done and this has all been (thankfully) covered by my insurance. I have saved more than double what I’ve paid in premiums so far, so pats on the back for getting that two months ago Matt. But yeah, coming back to the getting-older thing - that was another reason for getting it - that I’m getting older and will more than likely be making use of it. I’m only on the dental part of it so far! And that’s the first part. I need to wait out a waiting period to get a crown done. I figure I can put up with it until then, as it’s not giving me any issues, but I am aware that I have a hairline fracture in the tooth that needs the crown to protect it, and it’s more-than-likely from when I was trying to straighten my teeth myself. That is yet another thing I want to get done professionally, but with having to wait another 10 months until I can pay for the crown (sensibly at least), the straightening will have to wait even longer, ergh. Things need to be fixed before I can even think about straightening. I tend to look on the positive side of these things though. It will give me some time to save up for it. As long as that hairline fracture doesn’t break completely in the meantime lol.
In other health issues, I’m still having issues with my toenails (ergh, but at least that is also covered my health insurance now) and my fucking knees. The knees are on and off though, mainly hurting after my 10-hour shifts on Fridays. If my knees are failing before age 40, I don’t see my being able to walk into my 60’s lol. They fucking hurt even just stretching them out. Is that normal? Is anyone else 36 or older and can verify?

I figure movement helps. Gym is going fairly well. I had a “fat day” last week where I got really depressed. I looked down at my tummy and hated myself. I thought I looked huge. I jumped on the scales to support my theory. Yup, just over three-figures again. I felt worse. Fuck.
So I went to gym and rode on the bike for a half-hour or so. I usually write an entry here when I do that, but I just didn’t feel like it, or even wanted to think about it.
Then the next day, I did the same thing - looked down at my tummy - and didn’t hate myself. In fact, I thought, “That doesn’t look so bad.” I felt better. I didn’t check the scales again though. Maybe I did just have a fat day.

I also haven’t seen Harris in two weeks, nor heard from him at all in 5 days. So I started getting down about that as well. I damn-well like the guy, but I’m weary of being too full-on with him, as I feel like I have been. Plus the past few messages from him haven’t really been as flirty from him as they were in the beginning. Maybe he is over me already. I have to keep reminding myself that he thinks a lot just like I do and that that’s a dangerous mix. Both of us just overthinking and not communicating like we should, so today I decided to message him that I haven’t forgotten him and that in fact I’ve been thinking of him a lot, and that I miss him. Even that may have been too full on, but then I calmed myself down by reminding myself that it’s the truth and if he doesn’t like it, he doesn’t like it.
I need to make like Taylor Swift and calm down lol.

Meanwhile, to think this time last year I was in freaking Beijing! Look what happened to the world since lol.

I’ve got some music on and that always calms me down. I don’t know what I’d do without music. I’m also on the verge of stopping my personal chart after 10 years, as I figure I need to grow up. It’s been a fun hobby that I’m sure I’ll look back on. I figure I may as well share my current Top 10.
It kind if gives an indication of my current and long-time love for both pop and country, with an indie track mixed in.

Midnight Sky - Miley Cyrus
Classic - Cam
Show Them The Way - Stevie Nicks
Better Than This - Paloma Faith
Be With You - Kaylee Bell
Little Things - Jessica Mauboy
20’s - Melanie Dyer
Not Ready For Love - Tyne-James Organ
Magic - Kylie Minogue
Let’s Love - David Guetta & Sia


Last updated October 26, 2020


DE_mkately October 26, 2020

Tell the dentist it's still bothering you! I had that happen once and it was because it wasn't ground down to be even so the filling was making the teeth around it sensitive cuz my bite wasn't lining up! It felt awful!

You look great and you are worrying too much about that and Harris. He Def is into you too!

TommyGnosis October 26, 2020

My knees don't like cold weather. I'm going to try suppression pants or leggings to see if that helps when I exercise. Other than that I feel young and spry and I look amazing lol. Try some yoga or something that can help build the muscles around your knees. I totally get what you mean by feeling child-like. I was robbed of mine and I felt child-like because of my BPD. Not so much anymore. How much of our morbidity comes from age and how much comes from nutrition and lifestyle choices? That was my epiphany when I turned 30 and I cleaned my act up. Quit smoking went vegan and started to exercise. I want to take it further. Others my age look way older, have obesity, diabetes, gout, gallbladder problems and a friend who was like an older brother to me died from a heart attack at 33.

Swanny TommyGnosis ⋅ October 28, 2020

100% agree with lifestyle changes combatting health issues :)

wintergrey October 27, 2020

I can confirm that I am 43 and I have "crunchy" knees when I walk up the stairs. I also wonder if I will need a stair lift by the time I'm 60... Lol!

Swanny October 28, 2020

My knees are so bad I got one of them operated on because I couldn't stand the pain any longer. Sometimes our bodies need a bit of a tune up as we age ;)

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