Wuss-Out Tendencies?* in These Foolish Things

  • Oct. 26, 2020, 12:33 p.m.
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(Update at the end…)

Hm. Okay. Need a little advice.

It’s my birthday today, right? And S.S. asked me the other morning at coffee what I was doing for my birthday and I said that I was just going to go to work and lay low. He was disappointed by that and told me that I couldn’t do nothing on the night of my BIRTHDAY and he insisted on taking me to dinner. He’d figure out a nice place to go.

I said okay.

Cut to just a few minutes ago. Instead of a text wishing me a happy birthday, he asked if we could switch my birthday dinner to tomorrow night because of a flu shot he got on Saturday??? He’s slept all weekend and yada yada.

My initial reaction is to just tell him to forget the whole thing.

This is the second time he’s blown me off. The first time was for the tax deadline that he probably knew he wasn’t going to be able to make, and now…which, I don’t want to see him anyway if he’s not feeling well, and maybe that’s just what I’ll say. But the thing is, he has YET to actually propose a place to meet and to follow through. Every time I’ve seen him have been at venues and times of my suggestion.

Maybe I’ll say something like, hey, I think maybe we should wait until you’re feeling 100%, so let’s not lock in tomorrow night so there’s no expectation. Feel better.

What a bummer.

UPDATE!!! I answered his text accordingly (kind of a combination of a few noters’ words of advice): “Hey, well, that’s a bummer! Was really looking forward to it. Why don’t you follow back up with me when you’re feeling 100%.”

He replied (a couple of hours later), “So I’m feeling better today…wasn’t sure if you’re ok with that. If so, I can do tonight or we can wait until one night later this week”

What the FUUUUU???? I haven’t replied to that one. I have NO idea what that means. Now he’s okay? Like, make up your mind. I’m not playing this game.

Last updated October 26, 2020

Elaine Benes October 26, 2020

I think your response sounds good. Disappointing for sure. Let us know what he says. Happy birthday!!!!

Florentine October 26, 2020

Happy birthday! ❤️

This might sound contrary to what you think you should do, but what about leaning in a little? You’ve enjoyed his company and we’re excited for plans tonight, right? How about a text that says something along the lines of “Oh, what a bummer! I was really looking forward to dinner with you. Feel better, I will wait to hear from you!”

I think it gives some authenticity, puts the ball in his court, and maybe gives him a little push to try harder. I think we’re so used to the casualness of online dating that men have forgotten how to lock down plans and make an effort. If he follows up tomorrow, roll with it, if he flakes, that’s three strikes. 🤷‍♀️

Complicated Disaster Florentine ⋅ October 26, 2020

^^I go with this^^
Although I'm sure that Florentine is aware that women are just as guilty as men in this regard!

Florentine Complicated Disaster ⋅ October 26, 2020

Certainly. I said men because Ginger is interacting with men on dating platforms.

Parliament Florentine ⋅ October 26, 2020

I KNOW I didn't just read a #notallmen here, CD ...

Florentine Parliament ⋅ October 26, 2020


girl in recession October 26, 2020

bf is the worst at "making plans" that in his mind are super duper flexible but in my mind are set in stone. early on we had a lot of fights about it. nowadays I have to double-check like "Is this something we're 100% doing or just a suggestion?" 99% of the time he responds with "just a suggestion" so I dont get my hopes up. And, if I REALLY do want to do something, I plan it because he's just incapable of thinking ahead. I'd have a conversation with him about this quirk sooner rather than later

Ginger Snap girl in recession ⋅ October 26, 2020

Totally get it - but it's my BIRTHDAY and he INSISTED! So, it didn't seem like a suggestion to me.

girl in recession Ginger Snap ⋅ October 26, 2020

Bf does the same exact thing. Times, dates, it will 100% sound like set in stone plans. I swear to you, some people are just like this. For me, I didnt encounter them until I moved to California. It was VERY bizarre but once I realized it was a quirk and these people weren't being purposefully rude, I made a lot of really good friends - and bf of course.

Ginger Snap girl in recession ⋅ October 26, 2020

Really? Wow. How do you make anything happen? What if it's an event that you have tickets to? What if it's a wedding? What if it's a birthday party? Special occasions should be...well, special.

girl in recession Ginger Snap ⋅ October 26, 2020

After it happened several times, I just had a frank discussion with bf that when he makes plans to do something, I see them this way and he seems to see them another way. We just had a frank discussion about what it means to make plans and what each of our expectations around making plans were. Once he saw what he was doing from my lense, he understood and admitted to not being great at making plans but that he always wants to "do stuff" with me, so that's why he kept bringing up fun stuff to go to (AS IF we were going to it)

After meeting his friends and family, I understood more, they're all the same way.

Nash October 26, 2020

I think Florentine has it but I think that is one heck of a reaction to a common flu shot.

Ginger Snap Nash ⋅ October 26, 2020

That’s why I’m getting a wuss vibe.

permanent daylight October 26, 2020 (edited October 26, 2020)


When it's a woman's birthday and you propose doing something, you should follow through. There should be no questions. It's a special occasion! It's a day that is about people in your life recognizing your individual specialness.

Anyway, I think you should do something fun and special that makes you happy, and he can find out about it later since he's the one missing out :P

Soliloquy October 26, 2020

Happy birthday!

And if this man is felled by a flu shot he got TWO DAYS AGO, there is no way he's ever going to be able to keep up with your energy. Forget about him, you deserve better.

Parliament October 26, 2020

If you give him wiggle room, he's going to take it. I would just tell him, "Look, I appreciate the gesture. Maybe next year." Then leave it at that. You want there to be a touch of shame in it for him. Don't roll over so easy, but it also doesn't have to be a "HOW DARE YOU" situation either. He doesn't have to take you out for your birthday, but he DOES have to shut the fuck up if he's not willing to keep a promise.

Athena Parliament ⋅ October 26, 2020

All of this.

drawnwell October 26, 2020

No excuses for the bailing on your birthday. Stupid stupid stupid.
That said... this years flu shot knocked me on my ass. Textbook case right off the warning page. I've had one every year for almost 20 years and never had it do me like this year.

WhatDreamsMayCome October 27, 2020

Happy birthday!
Dating is such a different world. Back in the day it was so easy to choose the place to eat or the activity to do. Now it's just easier to let her pick so I don't have to hear the critique of my suggestions.
His backing out is not encouraging.

Ginger Snap WhatDreamsMayCome ⋅ October 27, 2020

Not encouraging at all. :(

Marg October 27, 2020

I realise the date is passed now but I dunno - I can see he only responded to what you said - you were bummed out at not going so because he was feeling better he thought maybe it would be ok to still go out? But he gave you an option to opt out as well in case you felt that was too last minute so he kind of acknowledged the ‘mucking about aspect’. I mean I think the better option would have been to tell you about the flu shot first and how that might have affected making plans because he must have known he was getting one - but I do kinda think he was trying. Go with your gut feeling on him though.

gemidevi October 27, 2020

Kinda late to this...

First of all - HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

Second - he ain't worth it. Ditch him and be as passive-aggressive (per note above) you want with him. He doesn't deserve you.

Third - it's gonna happen for you. I know it!!! That's my bday wish for you.

Ginger Snap gemidevi ⋅ October 27, 2020

Thank you for this note :)

I hope you're doing well! Haven't heard from you in a while. Did things work out?

bobbi01 October 28, 2020

I'm late too. You have some very smart noters!

Ginger Snap bobbi01 ⋅ October 28, 2020

I sure do! It always amazes me every time I ask for advice here.

plushcreep October 28, 2020

I dunno. I'm terrible at giving advice in these situations, because it's not at all how I would act...but I can't hold everybody to my own personal standards. I feel like he's being a little wishy-washy (who cancels because of a flu shot?! I got one last week and my arm was a little sore for a day and a half, but that wouldn't have stopped me from going out on a date!).

Jinn October 29, 2020

Happy Belated Birthday !

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