I Got A Job Offer... But Why Am I Sad? in Eye of a Hurricane

I’ve been feigning since Friday about my emotions regarding a job offer I got officially on Friday. I’ve been mulling about and staring at it, wondering if I should take it. It’ll mean that I have to move again in the period of 2 months, and I was just getting settled in here. I’ve been living with my partner here for the past little while, and while it’s been rough for the past few weeks, I feel like the dust has settled, and now we could get on with our lives. But now I got a job offer that’s going to take me 1.5 hrs north. And they want me in person at the office. No telecommute. I’m trying to figure out a way to possibly negotiate that in the contract, but I’m not holding my breath. I’ll really get down to the brass tacks tomorrow. Maybe. I’m not sure.
I got the call on Friday, stating that the job was mine. Something told me the night before to plan for this, but I ignored it, thinking it was pulling the same shit on a different job posting that I got rejected for.
But this post offers a pretty stellar deal. It’s not above a certain mark like what I was originally hoping for, but it’s still got a decent price tag. It comes with great benefits, PTO, vacation time.... There’s just no WFH option. If I could finagle that into the contract to where I would come into the office maybe 2-3x a week, I wouldn’t have to move and leave my partner here.
But then there’s what my therapist and I had talked about on Wednesday. The arrangement that my partner and I have is polyamorous, and she has established relationships with everyone in the house. I mentioned to my therapist that this almost feels like a cult, especially after she asked me on Tuesday, “Do you think I’m a sociopath?” How am I supposed to answer that?? My therapist remarked that this was an unusual question, to which I agreed, I can’t deny that. Why would anyone ask that? Especially of their own partner. She told me that’s a red flag that I should be listening to, but… there’s still this part of me that wants to stay here. Have I developed some sort of Stockholm Syndrome? I had been bracing myself for the possibility that I might have to leave, and now that it’s staring at me in the face, I’m not sure I’m ready to handle moving all over again.
I’m so tired of moving around. I never thought I would say that. Me, the ramblin’ man. The one who can’t wait to get out there and become a nomad. I mean, I would if I had the means to. If I had some sort of job that would let me telecommute from wherever I was. I would gladly live out of an RV, granted I knew how to drive one.
But now, right now, at this point in time, I don’t want to move. I just got here. None of this feels right, but even then, nothing had felt right since I left here the first time when I was 18 to San Antonio. That didn’t feel right: it felt like my only option. The only other school that accepted me was one in San Francisco, and my parents really didn’t like that… despite their being absent for the majority of my life. Anyway, I can’t remember the last time I ever felt right about something, anything. I can plan for tomorrow. I can plan for next week, Hell, even a month from now I can do. But when it comes down to my future, I feel no security. I feel nothing that says that this is the right way, and I can’t remember the last time I did. It’s as if every move I have made has been the wrong one, and I just want to be finished with this game. I know I’m losing. So, just checkmate me and get it over with.
I know I should feel happy, but all I feel is sadness regarding this. There’s a part of me that wants to cry, another part of me that’s panicking. I’m not even remotely sure what part to even speak of. There are millions of people that are looking to fill a job post, and here I am mulling about it as if this isn’t something great.
I should be thankful.
I should be grateful.
I should be… anything but this.
I would be away from everyone.
I would be in a place not politically aligned with my own morals.
What have I done?
What have I done?
A part of me feels like I was just beginning something, and now I have to end it. And for what? For what? I’m so lost I cannot even indicate where I want to be, let alone what I feel at this moment. I want to run away, but then that defeats the entire thing. Avoidance. It’s peculiar.